Day 9 - Sadness, Trapped & Isolated

A slightly different update today - but maybe one many moms can relate to.

Yesterday I felt some changes brewing, but wasn't entirely aware of what they were.

Today started like most days, but also a bit differently. Firstly, I am fully wearing clothes today! A bra and a shirt (I ordered them online to have something that fits for when I was ready to start wearing clothes). Still just doing PJ bottoms.

And something new - I feel way less stimulated. Until today it was quite stimulating for me having both kids around me. Yes, of course, special and sweet, but it felt like a lot on my nervous system. A busy toddler asking lots of questions in a very sensitive time. But today - I felt must more relaxed. Happily having Elba do her activity book around me and Baby M.

And to the moms who feel guilty about finding their toddler a bit over stimulating - don't. It is such a sensitive adjustment time. In days of tribes and villages - other women would tend to your other children. I had a lot of this with my friend who stayed for 5 days - I am very grateful, but for a few days now we've been figuring out how to be our little family of 4.

Which btw is also an adjustment for Ian - doing all of the house chores and being with Elba for most of the day. This very different from our usual life. Where he works and for nearly 3 years, I have been with Elba has her primary person.

Don't underestimate what a big adjustment this is for everyone.

So today started great - I felt good. Both kiddos with me while Ian did the EI application (the payment for parental leave). But then this took longer than I expected and I didn't communicate my needs as directly or clearly while feeling a bit more depleted as time went on.

Long story short-ish - I snapped a bit. Ian didn't receive this well, because of his own things going on. And a whole emotional thing followed. I will spare the practical details that don't matter and give you what does...

Even couples like us who spend literally years talking about this time and how we intend to go about it and what our priorities are and who will do what... will have moments or times where we struggle.

We will have times where we don't communicate as effectively. Times where both of us feel we want our needs to be heard and met at the same time. Times where our expectations are misaligned. Times where both of us don't feel as supported as we want to.

Interesting thing to be aware of - There are cultures where the family prevents a couple from making any drastic changes in the first 2 years of having children... for good reason. It is a HUGE adjustment for a couple to have young children. A stat cited by the Gottman institute (I read the book a long time ago) was that marital satisfaction decreases by 67% in the first 2 years of having a child. I share this because a lot of couples go into this time assuming they will just be this blissfully happy couple bonding with their precious babies and yes - there are so many moments of that. But it is also a huge shift in your marriage. And it definitely doesn't help that what we see on social media is just these happy loving couple photos.

So because we no longer live a world where people see us raw and real - I will give you the real. Your relationship will not always be easy in this time. You will not always like each other. You will not feel connected all the time. You may struggle to communicate, struggle to connect, struggle with conflict, struggle with intimacy, and struggle to show up how you'd like to in your hormonal, potentially exhausted / resource deprived state and also just in your new 'role' of mother (or mother again).

Do not let the little window of people's lives they choose to let you see make you think that if your partnership has any or all of the challenges above that you are alone in that. You are not. I do not know a single couple that did not go through challenges.

The only tip I can share is - let challenges and hardship be meaningful. Let the struggles or the conflict, or the misalignment lead to reflection, communication, and finding a way to come closer together. Do not suppress. Do not avoid hard. Be soft. Be soft with yourself and your partner as you find your way. Be clear on your needs, but not in a way that demands of the other person or bypasses their needs. You can find a way for everyone's needs to be met if we are open to strategies that maybe look a little different to what we held on to. But most importantly - give space for what you are feeling. Sometimes we don't need anything to change. We just need to feel our feelings, and this is best done in loving presence of someone. So, video call that friend that can welcome your tears or your anger. Have that friend come who can just be in the presence of feelings and not move to fix them or make them go away. Just be with you. And if you don't have such a person - add it to your to do list to cultivate at some point and for, now be that person for yourself.

I didn't call a friend - I made a gentle request (not a demand) of my husband to sit with me and hear my feelings.

Even if we are not feeling super connected - I asked to just have space to feel my feelings. Ian sat on the bed and let my feelings flow. I said all the things that came to mind that I was sad about.

P.s. while I asked Ian to listen to my feelings this time. I don't necessarily think we should expect our partners to be this space. It was an impractical time to call a friend, but generally I think another woman who knows what this hormonal and life changing time feels like would have been better BUT given it was an impractical time -I am grateful to Ian for him listening.

The main themes that immerged from my feelings...

Sadness, trapped and isolated

I hadn't realized that this room that for over a week felt like my safe and comfortable space had quickly turned to feeling like my space where I am trapped and isolated. I had stayed in the room so much longer with Elba, but I didn't realize things were different this time... So I missed the signs that I was craving some connection to female community. I was craving wanting to do more for myself and not be so dependent.

The things that felt beautiful initially and served me so well - I was ready for some change and hadn't changed them. So, when Ian was busy and I wanted support, I felt trapped and uncomfortably dependent.

The silence in this room that kept me feeling so secure for over a week suddenly turned to feeling isolated and lonely.

I had these assumptions that this time would unfold similarly to my time with Elba, but it was different and I had missed feeling the changes until the feelings were shouting at me. BUT ...

Sometimes we just need a good cry...

There is nothing wrong with it having gotten to this point of a good cry. Nothing wrong with feeling sad. Until this point I hadn't felt much sadness. I hadn't had a good cry. I think it was needed ...

Normal feelings for motherhood

And then to add - feeling trapped and isolated are also very common motherhood feelings. We can easily feel the lack of flexibility we had before having littles or the lack of "freedom" we see our partner have while we sit nursing our little for the how manyth time in a day. We can easily feel isolated from society. Even with lots of friends or family (or both). It is easy to feel alone in our experience with our kid/s.

While these feelings are very common - this is not a state for us to live in. It is feelings to feel. To acknowledge and then when we are ready - move through them and establish things in our life that ensure this is not a permanent / long term feature of our motherhood journey.

Our motherhood experience is ours to make of it what we desire - we have the power to change our circumstances, our own behaviour and our attitude and approach to what we are experiencing...

But for today, I needed to have my good cry and release.

And I needed to remind myself that a good cry does not mean I am ungrateful. I have received more support this last week than most people get PP. But receiving all that support does not mean I "should" not feel sad. I can feel sad and feel it. And then move on and also be grateful.

A day ago someone said to me "I would feel so uncomfortable to ask for so much help".

They were referring in general to all the support I receive to honour this time. I get it. I didn't reply at the time. But here is my reply...

Yes. I too feel that discomfort. Not in the moment per say, but in general. I too was raised in a society where we are so uncomfortable with asking for support. We are so uncomfortable with being dependent on others. So many fears of being reliant on others. The thoughts of what if they disappoint us or say no or let us down or asking comes at a cost. Or we are perceived as weak or too much. Yes. I too come from the culture of do things myself. Don't rely on others. Don't be too dependent. Independence is seen as a bag of honour to carry, etc.

BUT I override this. I override the societal messages.

I choose interdependence over independence. I choose being vulnerable. I choose to be open and real with my community. I choose to depend on my spouse. And in this choice, I am not immune to the fear and vulnerability that comes with it. Actually, it is very hard for me and has been since we had Elba. But I continue to choose it... even when it's hard because I believe it is what is best for me, my children and my whole family.

For me to be real vulnerable and ask for support. So that I can care for my littles with everything in me from a space of being whole and healing and healthy and well.

That I can let go of my need to do it all so that I can give so much more to my little beings in this time where my presence matters most. The first 3 years. I believe this time is important. And therefore I am willing to do hard.

And every now and then maybe have a good cry about it.

And if necessary - make some changes.

I hope this real is meaningful in some way to your experience. Or simply permission to feel everything. Or relating in terms of knowing that this time being wonderful does not mean picture perfect family. Wonderful includes tears and some struggles. As we move through huge life changing things.

In the next blog and the coming time, I will share ways that I'm making changes and constantly creating a life, every single day, that feels best for me and my family.

So again - I feel my feelings. I feel the hard. But I do not live in it as a permanent or long-term state.

Additional resources

I highly recommend the following to books for all couples:

1. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

2. Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel.

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