One of the best parenting books I've read - The Conscious Parent

The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary

I believe that this is a book every parent (or even every person) should read. I'd like to go as far as to say it should be a prerequisite book as part of preconception.

Why I say this book is one all parents should read?

Different parenting books and approaches may not appeal to all, but why this book would be valuable for all is that it encourages, unpacks, and gives information about how to become conscious - how to become aware of why we feel what we feel in relation to our children, why we may react the way we do and where our conditioning may be leading us to act in certain ways or hold on to beliefs and approaches that may or may not serve us and our children. With this awareness we can make parenting decisions and respond to our children from a grounded space, rather than our conditioning, our fears, our past hurt or our uncontrolled feelings.

What I took from this book?

I've read a lot of parenting books (and I continue to do so). I have read a lot of books about being conscious, about compassion and empathy, about communication and emotions, and more... while those books have given me such valuable insights, this is the book that in my opinion fills in many of the pieces that are missing in the other books.

Often, we know how we want to show up for ourselves and our children, or at least we know how we don't want to, but we still find that we are not able to embody how we'd like to be. We have a lot of theoretical knowledge that feels like a script to say, but we don't know how to get to a point where it feels natural and flows from us. Or we find ourselves reacting in ways that we know are not helpful (for us or our children), but it continues to happen. We read more books telling us how to act and not act, and while they are meaningful, we still struggle to truly embody the approach we want to take.

This book I believe offers us insights to truly connect to our authentic selves and become aware of how much we are reacting from our ego, our past hurts, or our conditioning. It offers us hard truths but in a way that feels kind and empathetic - kind of like the parents most of want to be kind and empathetic, but also consistent and firm when required.

Many of the parenting books that focus on compassion lead (unintentionally) to parents sacrificing themselves or failing to implement firm and important limitations for their children for fear of infringing on their child's authenticity or for fear of being controlling or fear of hurting their children with discipline. While this is well meaning - we know that this is not good for children. It is our responsibility as parents to provide an environment for them to spread their wings, but in a way that is safe for them and others, and to guide them to become valuable members of a society where we thrive through interdependence. Which means that we parent in a way that allows them to maintain their authentic selves but also learn how to do so in a way that remains respectful and considerate that we do not operate in isolation (and nor do we want to).

A large portion of the book focuses on us being our authentic selves (reconnecting with it because we probably lost it), and how to raise children that maintain it. The second part of the book focuses on discipline or helping guide our children. The reason the discipline part is at the end is because we can really only do this effectively when we implement the first part of the book - being conscious. Behavioural modification can only exist (or should only exist) from a place of a strong respectful relationship with our children.

The book allows us to be aware when we are reacting vs responding, and gives tools to respond rather than react. This, which I think is a unique value from this book, allows parents to be compassionate without being self-compromising.

This is a book I will return to in future. I will read it many times. I highlighted and made so many notes while reading it, because there was so much that I took from it.

I recommend a book like this above resources that simply provide a bunch of rules or scripts for parents to implement - this one provides practical insights and tools that we can use to embody being conscious parents and from that it will guide our responses and behaviours, rather than us relying on scripts or someone else's guide of how we should or shouldn't respond in any given situation. We will feel comfortable to respond to all situations and accept things are they are. Not as we wish they should be or expected them to be.

The Conscious Parent - Transforming ourselves. Empowering our Children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

For more book recommendations see my Intentional Parenting Book recommendations.

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