Day 20 - Important Realizations

Carmen Fourie
2 days ago
8 min read

Wow how are we halfway through the first 40 days already? That being said - the first 40 days doesn't mean I will jump back into doing all the things when it is done, but it does mean Ian will go back to work. So, there is that very real "deadline".

I didn't intentionally reflect on where we are at because of the halfway mark - but did I happened to have some important realizations today...

Woman taking a mirror selfie with a baby in a gray carrier. Background shows a bookshelf, plants, and a trampoline in a cozy room.

Reflection - we've not done such a great job at honouring the first 40 days

Okay - yes, we've done a good job for the most part and I am so grateful for that (and what continues to happen in this time), BUT I realized two things.

Why am I still bleeding?

I don't have a heavy period. I don't typically bleed for very long (after Elba's birth or any of my miscarriages before Elba was born) - so why am I still bleeding at the nearly 3 weeks?

Because I am moving around too much...

With Elba I bled then it stopped and it only started once after that, and it was on a day we needed to rush to an unexpected appointment with lots of movement and stairs. This time I've bled for most of these 20 days (with a bit of a break and then it started again). While I go most of the day not bleeding - there then comes a bout of blood.

And I realized it happens after I have been moving about. No bleeding in the night or the morning. Only later in the day. I realized since I feel so good I have been putting M in the carrier and doing more (including squats... which seriously? I should know not to squat post birth). Also - I have a toddler. So, there is generally more movement then when I didn't have another kid. I have picked her up a few times and even once carried her down the stairs (I definitely shouldn't have done that from a healing perspective, but it was needed from a give her connection perspective).

Realistically I am going to move around more this time than my first first 40 days, BUT I need to reign it in a bit. No more squats. No more carrying heavy things up and down the stairs. Less movement. Because my body is telling me it needs time to heal.

Last night I said to Ian "but I need to help clean up the playroom so we can get to bed" and he responded saying I need to sit so that I can do more later. That was an important reminder of the point of this time - to rest. To recover. to set the foundation so that I can be a strong fully functioning parent when I exit this transition time.

P.S. Let this be the reminder you need to ensure that you and your spouse (and all other support people) are on the same page about how important this time is.

Now the second thing...

Little man is "fussy" at night

I use fussy here because that is the generally understood term. But essentially, he is an unhappy man before we go to bed and has been for a day or two.

I do not care for things like "witching hour" or (and this one might be controversial) sleep regressions (not relevant to a newborn anyways, but sharing). And what I mean when I say I don't care is - I don't talk about them or assume a certain phase just happens and it is part of parenting / babies. If I have a kid who is upset, I just see it as a kid who is upset and I deal with that. If I have a kid who went from sleeping to not sleeping - I just see it as is and deal with it. By deal I mean - reflect on potentially what is going on. I don't label it. I don't think it serves me to do so.

So, with little man being "fussy" at night - what I am seeing from this is that he is exposed to stimulus that is stressful during the day resulting in him having feels at the end of the day. Stimulus can be good (learning and relaxing), but it can also be stressful.

How do we know if the stimulus is good or stressful? - We observe our baby.

I observed Little M being disturbed (not crying, but I saw he went from relaxed to tense) with a few sounds and things he experienced. And then later he was "fussy" because he didn't have such a restful relaxed day.

There are two things I am taking from this - firstly my kiddos are a bit different from each other. M came out of the womb being more sensitive. As an example, he took long to open his eyes. He reacted to things that Elba didn't. Elba came out alert and ready, unphased by most things. Now I am not labeling him as more sensitive, but I am aware that I need to be more mindful (potentially) of things that may bother him that I didn't need to be with Elba.

The second thing - some parts of Elba's transition from womb to world was much less peaceful compared to M (like her birth in bright lights in the kitchen or checkup appointments because she was SUA), BUT her general initial months were super peaceful. Dim lights. Me resting a lot. Not a lot of noise or sounds. Where M - as much as we create a peaceful space. We have a toddler. Who is loud (usually not in the bedroom, but still). Me going downstairs means he hears so many loud sounds - laundry, Elba singing at the top of her lungs playing some instrument, dishes and cooking, and more.

What I am going to do about this? - Spend more time again with him in the room. Ian will take Elba out to do more activities outside the house. Walk away with him if there are loud sounds that are clearly impacting him (food processor, vacuum, etc). And then just hold him and give him extra love if he need to release any stress from the day.

P.s. We always check that his needs are met before assuming that his crying is potentially from stress.

And

P.P.S. He might also be more sensitive and "fussy" because he is still brand new with a cold (it is passing it seems), and also, he does tend to swallow some air that leads to a little bit of discomfort here and there.

And then...

P.P.P.S. He like to potty and doesn't like his diaper. I'll share more EC (elimination communication) updates another day, but he gets very wriggly when his diaper is wet or he wants to poop / pee. He happily uses the potty regularly.

A woman sits on the floor holding a baby in a cozy room with books and a small guitar on a shelf. Warm, nurturing atmosphere.

ANYWAYS - I said lots of different things here, BUT the main thing is being mindful of whether there is too much (stressful) stimulus for M, even if I am feeling better and less stimulated and sensitive. And I need to move less to heal properly.

Doing things

So these realizations only came at the end of the day... At the start of the day I did lots of things...

I cleaned the kitchen (first time since birth). And we have started organizing more parts of the house.

We have lots of areas like this...

Cluttered kitchen counter with papers, a black laptop, tangled cables, headphones, a phone, and a mug. Light wood cabinets and dark stove.

A bunch of stuff dumped that doesn't really have a place to be - so this spot just ALWAYS gets cluttered.

Elba and Ian went to Costco today and I asked Ian to get some plastic containers so we can be a bit more organized.

Clear storage containers and a bag of groceries sit on a wooden floor. A wooden rack is partially visible.

And just a little bit of organization (mostly putting Ian's electronics in a plastic container since he is using his things downstairs in this time rather than in office) - we have some order...

Kitchen counter with tangled wires on a notebook, plugged into wall switch. Two metal stovetop espresso makers, beige surface, white tiles.

The tablet we use a lot for recipes and video calls - so for now (until I sort out the drawer) it will stay out.

I also hung up the laundry. I am not back to doing the laundry, but I am doing some parts of it to help out. We do 1 to 2 loads a day (we have for a long time). We wash clothing, but also reusable cloths, and currently our bedding is being washed almost daily because baby mess and spending more time on the bed. Ian has been doing the laundry in this time (including cloth diapers & reusable bleeding products).

Green laundry basket on a table with a blue mat, clothes drying on racks in the background, TV and window visible in a bright room.

P.S. Our TV is ugly art in our home. It doesn't get used, but we haven't gotten rid of it and don't have anywhere to store it. So, it just stays there.

Nourishment

Breakfast is still the same - I am not having yogurt in my oats yet (because avoiding cold foods for the most part and want to start the day with warm). But I might soon. I'll see.

A white bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and a spoon on a wooden table, next to a teal mug on a coaster. Cozy breakfast setting.

Ian is still serving us broth twice a day. Which I think is great for this time. We will probably keep having a lot of broth through the cold months and then not so much in Spring and Summer.

On the doing note - I packed Elba's lunchbox for the first time. I didn't join them for their outing (ice skating). I just packed her lunchbox to help them get everything together to go.

Blue compartment tray with raspberries, banana slices, chocolate treats, sausage, and a packet of jam on a textured surface.

My lunch because it is what I was craving (crackers are not great in this time and usually I make sourdough - but I really like crackers and was craving them).

A plate with crackers, sliced sausage, and cheese on a wooden table. A glass of light-colored beverage with a straw is next to it by a window.

I have been pouring my own juice and coffee in the morning - which means I am back to having pomegranate extract.

Hand holding a mason jar with pink powder labeled "POMEGRANATE" on a kitchen counter. Glass measuring cup in background. Bright lighting.

Lots of hormonal health benefits from pomegranate, plus I started consuming it when I was worried about breast health (having kelp extract resolved those symptoms).

See our Fertility Foods Discussion.

And then dinner we had something slightly different (a meal we often have in Summer), because we figured some more seafood is good.

Prawns and fruit.

Plate with cooked shrimp, sliced kiwi, raspberries, and banana on a wooden table. Green sauce in a small container nearby.

Doing more things

I also realized that I had some preconceived ideas about my time in this time. I had a lot more time in my first 40 days - where this time I am not napping as much or have as much time for the things I thought I would.

But I made a point today to write the blogs I was behind on...

Laptop on a white stand atop a blue-covered bed in a bright room. Green laundry basket and items on shelves nearby.

I write them from bed holding little M on my lap.

And then I also filmed! I decided it was time to change up the cart next to my bed to meet my needs, so I quickly filmed a cart tour to show what it contained up until this point.

Camera on tripod with mic faces a basket of laundry near a window. Beige carpet and bright light create a calm atmosphere.

I have no idea if the footage is usable - I didn't plan to film so I might look a bit rough. But I think it should be okay and that will be on Youtube when I have capacity and time to edit it.

I often think of content creators showing a DITL and I wonder why they don't talk about the time it takes to make content in that day or to edit that content or upload it. Those things are pretty time consuming...

Anyways as much as I love sharing - I am balancing that with honouring this time and resting.

I'll share changes to my cart in a blog soon too.