Day 16 - Family feels & changes

Everyone is going through a lot of changes in this time. Typically, the first 40 days focuses on mom and baby, but the reality is because it isn't honoured in the traditional way with our village women around to take care for our other children, and other men around to support husband - it means there needs to be a focus on everyone's feels and needs in this time.

It is naive, but also not valuable to a family to think of this time only in terms of mom and baby (or other child/children). We must acknowledge the huge shift for everyone (husband included).

Today our family experienced a day of high feels all around.

Now while this is not a fun experience because in the moment it feels like we're going to drown in everyone's feels and everyone wanting their needs and feelings to be heard - it is an important and valuable experience... if we make it so.

Amazingly I was able to get both kiddos to fall asleep with me - first time!

And I was then able to use that time to journal and reflect about what needs to change -

in terms of my approach, my alignment with husband and discussions we may need to have, my behaviour, and our environment.

Now you may be thinking ... now isn't the time for this. And maybe this is because society has framed this time as a survival time for families. Just survive. Do what you need to to survive. People often justify things in this time that they otherwise don't necessarily want (like more screentime as an example). And the justification is - survival.

I take issue with this approach. Not because I am not empathetic to how big this transition is and the challenges that new (and repeat) parents face - I am hoping that is clear from these blogs. But I take issue with it because I want to be intentional in my approach - even in (actually especially in) challenging times. How we experience this time as a family is important and I don't want to simply survive it. I want to be present and take all of it in... even the hard stuff.

So because of that - we don't just ignore all the family feels that come up. Yes, we don't need to stop and over analyze every single thing that happens. Some things are definitely best left to just flow by. But repeat things. Big feels where a few people are not being heard. Things that are handled with more destructively than constructively. And things that we recognize we can, and should do something about.

Some things with urgency. But others can be ongoing discussions and changes we make.

But ultimately the point is - make meaning out of hard. We don't just survive. We show up vulnerably - soft front. Hard back. And even in this super sensitive transition time - we, as mothers, consider how we create the home that we want for ourselves and our family.

And also P.S. call on your people. Often people think they need to hide their relationship stuff or that people outside the relationship cannot be useful. But we need to learn to not live such isolated lives where we present only perfect to the world and hide the things we think people aren't supposed to see. Life is more wonderful if we're doing it - in a real way - with other people.

There will be reoccurring themes in these blogs are we navigate this time, which has a unique family structure to it (different role responsibilities to usual, Ian being home and not yet back to work full time, very small baby joining us, etc) and also it is a transition time for us to reflect, slowly implement some things that we want in place for when we go to our new usual - and figuring out what that will look like.

General Update

A lot more mobile - pelvic floor

Most meals I am having downstairs now - I am more mobile now and can easily walk up and down the stairs. After Elba's birth I was not able to do this easily by Day 16. We need to consider how we birthed and how we feel to determine what is too much.

After Elba's birth my pelvic floor felt very uncomfortable for quite a long time, but I was also generally sore with stitches. I saw a pelvic floor physio at 9 weeks PP with Elba and got an evaluation. But even with it being fine, it didn't feel good for long (like I remember being 5 months PP and still feeling discomfort at times when walking far and baby carrying Elba).

This time I feel so much better - my pelvic floor had moments where it would feel "tired" if I did too much. But so far it is a completely different experience and I feel a lot stronger and things feel like they are returning to place and strength much faster this time. Because of that - I am walking around a lot more than I did after my first birth. And I am happy to go downstairs.

This is not true for everyone - but several of my friends who had home births expressed that they felt much better after the 2nd birth and healed so much faster.

Support

My friend C came back to help us in the evening - it is super useful to have help with dinner and bedtime. It feels like we have so much to do in the evenings (this is before we had another baby too). Everyone baths or showers, we set up my cart for the night and the room. Ian cleans up downstairs after dinner and the play space to have it ready for the next day, and more.

Tonight (no photo sorry) because we had help we took the opportunity to cut Ian's hair. I have been shaving / cutting Ian's hair for I think over a year now. It was just so much more efficient and cost effective to buy a shaver and watch some Youtube videos and then I do it. But it is a bit hard with 2 kids - so we did it when help was here.

Body stuff

• Still bleeding... this is frustrating for me as someone who has light periods to bleed this long. Hopefully this will taper down soon (it is on the medium to light side - but still).

• Bowel movements seem to be getting better / digestion is getting better, but not quite there yet. And I assume it will take time. From a health perspective I am looking for 1 to 3 times a day movement. With ease. Barely any smell. Formed, etc. Digestion is a sign of health - sorry about the TMI.

Deflating - It appears like I am deflating. That's the best description I can use for it. I am down 2kgs in a day and it is visible - I think a lot of the water retention from pregnancy subsided in this day. I can see it on my arms and face, and especially on my breasts. The bra's I bought now don't really fit anymore (too big). I am down to 75.5kgs (from 87kgs at birth and my usual being around 65kgs).

P.s. the weight information is purely for interest. I have no weight loss goals. Only nourishing goals.

Nourishing notes

Still doing the usual 3 meals and supplements and beverages.

I am grateful for closed stainless steel cups to drink warm beverages while holding little M (because I don't drink warm open cup things when holding him from a safety perspective).

I like the Kleen Kanteen cup a lot (sorry I can't find a link to it).

Update on health

Sadly, both kids are still coughing. It feels like I might be getting a cold too, so Ian has been giving my Vit C & Zinc in addition to my usual supplements.

Concluding Remarks

My light goals for the coming time is - make some changes to manage our environment better and grace - with self and family. More patience and more flexibility - with self and family.