Day 28 - Taking ownership of my needs

Mothers - you know this. Your needs can very easily fall last in line and we can easily get into this whole mindset of doing for our family and feeling great about it, until one day we hit feeling sorry for ourselves moment because our needs have gone unmet, or it feels like no one is noticing or tending to our needs (usually some specific ones we want met not general needs, but it can trigger a whole "what about me" moment).

Let me get back to that in a moment, for now - here is a general update

General update

Whoohoo I am still not bleeding. But I am restricting movement and squatting in the carrier for fear it might start up again.

Digestion - it's okay. Like not back to great, but not bad. Mostly regular. Definitely not like after Elba's birth. I am limiting bread and still prioritizing warm easy to digest foods (and will for some time still).

Family stuff - Getting better at life with 2 kids, but oh my goodness we are struggling to get to bed at a remotely reasonable time... Like I am talking midnight most nights... We just do so much at night (cooking and cleaning - mostly Ian) and also tending to toddler feels if necessary, and also little M is most unhappy around this time so I am not helpful with home things and Ian holds him while I take a 4 minute bath. But we will figure it out... And then I will share more (or even if we don't figure it out - I will share more another day).

Socializing

We had a playdate / another family visit today. It was lovely. I am not up for "normal" social yet, but some relationships and people I feel very comfortable around and I find it isn't typical social - like this family. While the toddlers can be a bit loud (which is so beautiful, but it is intense for me and M in this sensitive time), this visit gives to us more than it takes from us (energy wise). The social for me & Ian and connecting, plus Elba having fun with another kid.

It is important to manage who we allow into our space in this time (in person but also via phone). And this is not offensive to anyone if for example some people or some relationships are best left for outside this time. I think we do way more harm to a relationship or people when we fail to acknowledge different phases, different needs and when to spend more or less time with specific people. And if we do want to spend that time, but maybe we need to make some requests around how it is spent.

I am a sensitive person in general - sensitive to stimulus. I've learnt how to live my best life with that sensitivity and I know that it is important I manage it in this time. So as an example a friend wanted to come visit in 2 days time. I love this friend, I find her so supportive, but this week is feeling a bit full for me (especially with toddler energy) so I requested we do next week instead.

For this week what felt doable was one social event (this family that visited) and I did it wearing PJ pants and sitting on the couch with little M. This doesn't mean I don't care about making my guests feel welcome - I really do. I just realize this is a time for connected comfortable conversation. Not for hosting in the typical sense. And I am grateful to people in my life who don't flinch at that right now (and it is okay for people who do and don't get it - I definitely did not get it before I had a kid or engaged with the concept of the first 40 days). So it is up to us to decide to manage what feels doable for us.

What each of us has capacity for

On that note - one of the topics I chatted to this friend about is some parenting things we do or don't have capacity for. I cloth diaper and do elimination communication - often other parents will see this and want to do it, but feel like they don't have capacity for it.

So I wish to remind all of us - while I cloth diaper and EC, and a bunch of other very hands on parenting things... there is a lot that I do not have capacity for and choose not to do that seems to come easy for others.

I, for example, find it difficult to leave the house and do all my hands on parenting things outside of our house. My house is so disorganized - yes I am working on it, but it does not come easy to me. I usually need to wash my hair, but don't get around to it, but don't worry we eat home cooked and healthy - lol. My point is - there will be lots others do that feels hard for us, and lots we do that feels hard for others.

Like I said in yesterday's blog - let's take inspiration where we want to from a space of "I am enough". And if you don't feel it - force it. Force telling yourself "I am enough" and whatever you choose to improve, or change - it from a space of being enough, but you want to make those changes to enrich life.

You are enough.

Ian is so much better than I am at playing. So I am glad him and Elba are playing outside (despite it being literally -28C). This is an example of something that does not come naturally or easily to me, but I want - I am on like 3 different 1000 hours outside groups, and have read most of "there is no such thing as bad weather" but still it is hard for me to be outdoors as much as I want for our family while living in Canada.

In South Africa it is easy to be barefoot outside, because the weather is moderate and being barefoot outside is normal there. There are so many outdoor spaces set up. I find it hard here and often I wonder if we should move to a tropical place. To the beach. To a house that is open to outside), but then I remember there is a whole bunch of reasons we live here and I reminder it is up to me to make it happen...

On that note...

Taking ownership of my needs

Ian is great at breakfast and lunch (and lots of broth) and great at snacks and doing laundry and many things - I am grateful, BUT I still have moments of uuuuurg I want or need something and it is hard for me to get it right now (because I am mostly tending to our sweet little man).

It can feel hard in those moments, because I am like uuuurg (annoyed), but then don't want to sound ungrateful but also like I am frustrated. You know?

I like to remind myself - No one is coming... In a good way (the reminder). No one can smell my needs and no one is responsible for my needs but me.

So first up - I want organic cotton bra's. If I don't figure out how to make them in this current busy and hard to do things phase - they aren't going to be made.

So my challenge today is - can I get another bra done while little M sleeps in the carrier?

The answer is YES! I did.

This one is smaller with more coverage than the other one, and tighter elastic. I am very happy with these bras! I will digitize the pattern soon. And might need to order some more organic cotton fabric (sorry Ian if you're reading this - I know I said I won't be buying fabric again anytime soon!).

Anyways ... yay for a 2nd organic cotton bra. And what I want to share here is - in motherhood - no one is coming (I say this with love).

It is up to me to create the life I want for myself, my family and my kids.

It is up to me be resourceful with how we can get the things or do the things we want given our limited resources.

It is easy to fall into a victim mindset - like how I watch my neighbour walk her kids across the road to her parents house and I wish I lived in the same city or country as my parents or any family! BUT we can acknowledge the part of us that feels those things and needs things, but not live in victim land.

I wanted natural fiber clothing for our family without the typical price tag and the frustration of the limited availability - so I learnt to crochet and I learn to sew using free Youtube videos. This approach is one I need to remind myself of and carry with me into all areas of life...

Today I sat on the couch feeling frustrated that Ian was busy with something else and I wanted to make the bra... And then I remembered I can't just wait to do things - I need to see if I can do them while caring for little M (even if it means taking many breaks or getting started and then needing to stop almost immediately). This is the season of life - do things whenever I get an opportunity and get creative about how to do things.

I am going to need this reminder in the future again, so I am sharing it here in case you needed it to. But I took ownership of my needs and made a bra while M was in the carrier, Elba and Ian were playing outside.

Speak up

The next thing is that I have been saying for 2 days to Ian that I need to have sweet carb heavy snacks in the night and we must prioritize it (by we - I actually meant him because he is making the food right now, but I saw we - a little passive, but oh well). Anyways with our long things to do in a day, the snacks were not getting done and I (briefly) went into the mindset of feeling sorry for myself.

Yes, it may seem silly, but let me stress - breastfeeding makes me (and most people) incredibly hungry. I tend to Marshall at night. We don't do "shifts" and the most I ask Ian to do sometimes is hold him while I use the bathroom or change my clothes because they are covered in spit up (yup that happened last night). This works for us and I can do the whole thing of sleeping 1.5 hours then waking throughout the night, but I want snacks...

It can be quite easy to get into a sulky mood about this. Especially when we were discussing it trying to see how we can do the evening things and get to bed at somewhat of a reasonable hour (you know we've been struggling with this). Initially I was grumpy and wasn't communicating very clearly. I sort of tried to see what we can do, then gave up and was grumpy. But then I reminded myself - I need to take ownership of my needs. And right now that means communicating effectively in a proactive way and making some suggestions (with flexibility).

With that we were able to come up with a plan - Ian didn't make the date balls we usually do (the food processor is very loud, so we don't want M around it again) and I sent him a recipe for quick chocolate chip cookies instead. He made them!

And yay - I have chocolate chip cookies to snack on.

I realized in this whole thing how easy it can be to be grumpy about something, to communicate ineffectively, to feel sorry for ourselves, or to "just leave it" and let our needs take a back seat. I need to actively override this and I don't always get it right, but in this conversation I realized where I was going and I was able to change gears.

This is important, because in the first year of Elba I lost a lot of weight. Ian was ill and I was a first-time mom in a new country. I often didn't take ownership of my needs and it was not healthy. Yes, I had a million reasons why life was hard (and honestly it was - the hardest time of my life), but even in hard - we need to take ownership of our needs and remember we have choice (even when they seem limited).

So, a "silly" example of me wanting snacks, reminded me of a very important approach that I will need to have in this season of motherhood - the approach of choice and empowerment. Of effective communication and ownership of my needs.

We are not going to bed early

Also serious we are not getting this go to bed at a reasonable time right - Elba fell asleep on the couch after lots of outside play and ice skating. So we will be up late again....

On a positive note - little M could be free on the floor without me worrying about little toddler feet or hands. I ate my dinner on the floor with him.

But don't worry - we'll keep at it to figure out how to get to bed at a reasonable time and have a routine that works for us.

And dinner - we pivoted because Elba fell asleep and had boerewors (South African sausage - I made it in prep for the first 40 days) with left over pasta and broth, instead of wors with mash and gravy.

Sleep

I know I've been repetitive about this going to sleep thing - but sleep is so important for health and wellbeing.

I also believe it is a parent's responsibility to ensure a child is well rested and that we organize life such that there is predictability and routine around when sleep happens. I say that while wanting to say - with flexibility. People are not tired at the same time every night. So I don't care for an exact bed time, BUT our current night time routine is just not flowing well and I'd rather we be in bed and then read more or play cards or something as a family until sleep, then be so busy with things that bedtime is pushed late (don't worry we also wake up late - so it isn't about the number of hours of sleep - it is about the times).

There is a few things in the works in terms of creating more flow in our house - it will get there.

Okay - that is Day 28. Thanks for being here (I mean it).

P.S. I say "no one is coming" in an empowered sense, while wanting to acknowledge how many people did and do come. How much support I have received and how incredibly grateful I am for all the people in my lives. People are amazing. And if you've followed me for a while you know I do believe that, and I believe in an interdependent way of living that celebrates how amazing people are.