Day 33 - Disruptions to peace

I've spoken a lot about the importance of this time and to protect it and make it peaceful, not stressful, and sacred. And with that being said... I think that some disruption to the peace will occur even with the best planning and boundary setting. We had some disruption to our peace and I will share about it in a bit...

General Update

I am happy to report that we are back to milky cacao (with all the wholefood things added). Ian also made some bulk carrot salad to get back to eating that daily. And my digestion seems to be improving a bit just from small shifts.

Less stimulated - I am experiencing that the super intense hormonal sensitivity is slowly dissipating. I find with each day it is easier and less energy taking to do the "simple" things - like nurse M and read to Elba (this felt so intense a bit ago).

More movement - I am able to move more and more without it bringing back bleeding. It feels good to move about the house more freely. I am yet to venture outside again - mostly because it is Calgary cold out there and I don't want to expose Marshall to that just yet (even in the carrier).

Plus Ian needs to see what is wrong with my coat extender to see if we can fix it or if it needs to be replaced. For a long time I used a coat extender with Elba in the carrier and I intend to do it again this time, but the zip is giving issues.

I am craving time in nature. I want to go for little walks again. I've been chatting to friends about hopefully soon in warmer weather spending some lovely time outside with our kids.

This craving for nature I think would happen anywhere, but it happens to me intensely living in Canada in February when I am now tired of all the indoor time and longing for slightly less cold so that we can be in nature with more ease (it is possible in the super cold, but it does take a lot of effort and poses some challenges I don't want right now - like how to breastfeed in the super cold). I have been formulating some ideas of sewing some wool items for M for this.

Sweet sibling

I have mentioned that a major challenge for me is that Elba is so incredibly excited about M and wants to help with everything. But of course she is still a bit young and it results in a lot of us saying no to her and that is sad.

She brought me these tiny undies (made for elimination communication babies) and said they are for Marshall to wear. I also looked back at the birth videos and saw a yellow bag in the video. I remembered that shortly after he was born she brought me the bag and said he can get dressed (it has baby clothes in).

It was such a precious moment, but I was so tired and busy (placenta hadn't come yet) that I didn't fully engage with it. Before M was born she often asked me random questions and some of them were around if there is water in the belly and if he is wearing a swimsuit. I explained that there is water, but that he is naked. She told me "when he comes out the belly he can get dressed". And she remembered this... and brought him clothes.

I feel a sense of sadness that I don't feel very present for Elba. Like she is doing these amazing and precious things, but I am not in a space to fully take it in. I know it is temporary. But still...

We are yet to figure this all out.

Disruptions to peace in this time

Previous time

In I think everyone's, or most people's, first 40 days or postpartum period there will be disruptions to our peace. Maybe it is things we can't avoid, maybe it is things we learn from to avoid if we do it again, maybe it is something we didn't expect but oh well - it happened.

In my first 40 days with Elba we had disruptions to our peace in the form of last minute appointments. Elba, like M, was a home birth to be peaceful, but she was a SUA (single umbilical artery) baby and plus an irregular heart rate on day 2 triggered a few check up appointments. These appointments were often made on short notice and quite stressful to attend. We had to rush out the door in the cold and snow the one day to drive 30+ minutes to see a pediatrician for a check up.

These checkups were definitely disruptive and stressful to our peaceful time.

This time

We've made it 33 days with no major disruptions to our peace! That is amazing. There is so much we cannot control and if disruptions to peace happen, it best we take it in our stride, and then just return to peace when we can - like attending appointments and then just recovering from it.

Disruptions can come in many forms - like appointments or medical things that need tending to, like how I needed to go to the airport 3 days after Elba was born with paperwork to sign off on our shipping that came from South Africa, or, for many people it comes in the form of interpersonal relationships - most often with family, but with friends or other community members.

Most people have spoken to me about difficult family interactions in their post partum time. Maybe it was unsolicited advise. Conflict with mothers or mother-in-law's either with us or our spouse. Many people said to me that a silver lining of us living so far from family is that we don't need to deal with managing family expectations and dynamics in this time. Because this can be a major challenge for lots of people.

Realistically I don't think I would have had this problem if I lived close to family, just because my family set up (we have other things, but this is not one of them) is such that I wouldn't find it difficult to request my needs in this sensitive time.

But we also don't always know how things will go. We've done slightly more social interactions (people visiting), but I still VERY much limited it. So far it was limited to one a week (same as with Elba), but then also to people who I feel comfortable with. And even in this comfort, sometimes things happen...

Anyways we had a social interaction that was disruptive to our peace. There was some toddler dynamics that were difficult to handle that lead to some adult dynamics that were/are challenging. And honestly ... it is life. Yes, I found myself being very frustrated that this happened in this time and having some judgements that others could have dealt with this differently to spare me needing to at all be present or participate, but then I allowed that feeling and moved on because things happen...

We may be tempted to become avoidant or blame-y, but it is up to us to create peace in our lives. And peace does not mean becoming hyper independent and avoiding all difficult interactions or inconveniences to life. Peace to me means surrendering to life and things beyond my control, and then showing up as authentic as possible, with compassion for self and others (I don't always get it right, but that is what I aim for).

Admittedly - I do sometimes have a little moment of feeling sorry for myself where I have the judgement that because I am a relationship / conflict / communication expert that there is internal pressure, and external assumptions, that I need to deal with situations. That being said there is always choice, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Now in this case I will choose to deal with the adult and toddler dynamics that unfolded, but I realize that I am more at peace now than ever before that I do not control outcomes. And peace is restored to this time for me in letting go of needing to achieve a specific outcome or solving the problem ASAP. A beautiful thing that has come from having the same 24 hours as before, but now having two littles to love in that time is I am putting down things that I don't want to hold so that I can hold what matters more. In this case I am putting down worry about the outcome and just dealing with the present.

An important reminder I had from a discussion with a friend was that uncomfortable interpersonal relationships are valuable. They don't feel nice or easy. But they offer us value (I remember this featuring in the book The Anxious Generation where our modern world of social media allows for low barrier to entry and exit of relationships which is not necessarily good for us).

Anyways... with that all being said - While I will not avoid dealing with the situation and haven't. I will express my needs and my sadness (in general) that I have experienced this to be disruptive to a time that I was very clear about if anyone chooses to come into this space that the space needs to treated as sacred and sensitive. That I do have an expectation that others need to be protective of a new mother's wellbeing in this time. But we also live in a modern world where this view is not shared, and even when it is shared, there isn't always a clear understanding of how this happens because so few people live it out...

So none of this is blame. It is stating the desire and then also accepting the reality.

Taking value from disruptions

Aside from the general value of difficult interpersonal interactions, there is value we take from disruptions to our peace in this time. Lessons we can carry to the remainer of the time, or if we do this time again, or if we are a villager to someone doing this time.

In this case here is what I am taking from it (and I share it if it offers value to others in a similar time) -

I have been cautious with social, but not intentional enough. I had hesitations about whether to proceed with this visit or not, because I had concerns that the dynamic between the two toddlers would be a bit much for me. I should have listened to this voice.

We often think that because someone is a good friend or close relationship that we should always agree to see them, but it often serves a relationship more if we honestly express our needs and strategize around something else. As an example we have other friends where the toddler dynamics can be quite intense (not a bad thing) and in those relationships our interactions in this time have not involved the kids being in this space (or me not being in the space) or the friends offered alternatives like being outside (weather permitting) or capping things in a certain way (time or based on how things are going etc.). I say this to say - we shouldn't be afraid about being realistic about dynamics and interactions, and our current capacity and needs, and then strategizing ways with others on what will work for everyone.

Another take away from this is that there is no need to feel pressure to be social at all. I thought that because it has been more than a month I should be a bit more social. I don't need to be. Not now and not in another months time. It is truly about how we feel. Yes, we don't want to isolate ourselves, but we can be more selective about the interactions.

We all have relationships were we truly value the relationship, but can also recognize that maybe this sensitive time is not the best time to spend a lot of time in that relationship. I definitely know that before I had kids I was not the best person to be in someone's postpartum space. I didn't understand the physical aspects of after birth, or the adjustment. I didn't even consider things like scents until someone told me that my scent was lingering on their baby. It is not rude or offensive to choose who and how to have people in our space in this time. It is not rude or offensive to make requests of people like "people don't wear perfume if you want to hold my baby". BUT so many of us still have people pleasing tendencies that prevent us from honestly expressing our needs.

Or maybe we didn't realize our need until that moment. Or maybe we generally don't know what we need. So that's why I say - disruptions are bound to happen. We can just take them in our stride.

For the remainer of my first 40 days I will be more intentional about social interactions; actually this is going to extend passed the 40 days because when I exit this time we have several events lined up that will require additional consideration.

Boundaries - are there to set parameters or our preferences in the name of preserving the relationship and the quality of it. They are not forceful ultimatums shoved in peoples' faces. I write this as a reminder that we all need to express our parameters in relationships if we want real connection. We need to express our will, and then also absorb the will of others (this village thing is not a one-way thing - we also need to be a villager). And if someone takes our preference personally. So be it... If we take someone's preference personally, I offer another reminder from NVC (nonviolent communication) - a NO is always a yes to something else. Let's listen for the yes behind the no (as in don't be so caught up in a particular strategy to achieve meeting needs).

Remember most people do not expect to see you newly post partum. When I realized the importance of this time I just dropped off care packages. I didn't ask to see the person. I let friends know I was there to be helpful, or for friends that are far is they want video calls (I love video calls in this time), but no expectation to see them. I have found most people in my life have been very big on saying they are available, but not having expectations to be in our space. So don't feel pressure to be social. Most people assume you won't be. The pressure to be social is often internal.

Sharing personal things online

I don't usually like to share such personal things online (I know this is rich coming from someone who has shared so much online) - but what I mean is... I don't mind sharing MY personal things. But I am hesitant to share personal things that involve other people.

I felt it important to share some of this because I know that disruptions to peace (in particular ones from interpersonal relationships) causes challenges for people in this time (or in motherhood in general). So I share because it feels important, but I also hope that my sharing is still respectful, specific, but vague enough. Since I am writing these blogs in real time and with my current "I just had a baby brain" I don't have time or capacity to spend a great deal of time reflecting on how to share this.

Elba with her baby & Ian with his baby

Moving on & getting sick

I have been scrolling my phone again now that I finished Skin Deep. So it is on my to do list to get a new book. I don't know fiction books, so I've been looking up but wow there are so many... it is hard to choose. I am going to ask for some recommendations on IG.

The reality of disruption

This time like I said many times is sacred - when peace is disrupted we can assume some consequences for this. In this case... we became sick. Ian first. Me a few hours later. Thankfully just a cold, but still.

Maybe it will seem woohoo but consider when we get sick - like after writing exams, usually after our weddings, after big events. In this time - it doesn't take a big event to trigger it. It is a time of less sleep and yes, lots of nourishment, but it isn't a resource abundant time.

So yeah.. thankfully both kids seem good. Just me & Ian (for now).

And that is Day 33. Thanks for being here. Let me know if you take anything from my share today.