Day 30 - More, but not too much. Physical updates & anxiety.

It's been 30 days!

Physical update

A little real physical update quickly.

Hormones & Pimples

So, I broke out in pimples... My face & chest and some at the top of my bum (I assume for the increase in sitting). I enjoyed a pimple free pregnancy (like most people) and now with the plummet of hormones, and rise of other ones and increase in oil and sweat production - pimples...

I don't mind them looks wise, but I am just noting the shift and the experience of a symptom.

Lumpy breasts

I'm going to share a bit about anxiety, because I had some anxiety around how my breasts feel. With how much they've changed through my Elba pregnancy, then 2.5+ years of breastfeeding and pregnancy again and now back to breastfeeding, it is hard for me to know what their "normal" is.

They are large (normally) and extra-large in pregnancy and breastfeeding. But they also have dense tissue and what feels like full lobules as their normal.. but it brings up a lot of anxiety for me feeling them have lumps and hard bits in. With milk coming in they form lots of lumpy hard bits and have heavy parts.. and generally there is a lot going on with them and changes throughout the day (like fluctuations in sizes, different lumps and hard part, one leaking, etc..).

But the anxiety - I realize that is heightened because I haven't been strict about my screen time. I'll share more about this in a moment. For now...

I am super grateful that my body was able to 100% feed my first baby until she was ready to switch to food and other beverages. I breastfed Elba on average every 2 hours for over 2.5 years.

And again, I am super grateful to my body for doing this again, but it isn't easy experiencing the changes to my breasts. And I think regardless of me not managing my screen time so having additional anxiety, I believe most moms can relate to some intense feels around their breasts - wondering if they are producing enough, worrying if they might get an infection from over production, wondering if their nipple is too flat, or their breast is too big for a good latch, and more...

So, I am sharing that breast changes and breastfeeding comes with some additional feels for me that I need to sit with.

Anyways nothing to be done about it except continue to focus on being my healthiest self (hormone health, metabolic health) and focus on my wellbeing - sitting with all the feels that come up.

Digestion & dehydration

Hmmm.. this needs additional focus, but it might not get it right now because...

Tired

I am tired. I am needing to nap now, where I was functioning fine without a nap for most of these 30 days. But I can feel that the increase in doing things, plus the little sleep is starting to get to me a bit and I am feeling a bit more depleted..

I know I said I didn't want to share this, so read this with the nuance I shared earlier - But I am up every 1 - 1.5 hours at night. For nursing, or because little M needs to be upright, or (and this I love, but also it's a challenge) Little M does not like pooping in his diaper - so he will wriggle and grunt until I wake up and offer him potty. It is wild ... Initially I thought it was a one time thing, but it isn't - it happens every single night (and has for over a week).

We've mostly got side lying nursing down on the one side, but not so much on the other side (flatter nip on that side and it is more often engorged/full), but even though we've mostly got it down it does sometimes result in some additional air swallowing for M and then I need to hold him upright for a bit... So we're still figuring this out and I am not in a rush, because with Elba I only managed to side lie nurse much later so I am used to it...

On a nice note those - M isn't having his fussy times at night anymore. I think it is a combination of things - us being mindful of his stimulus expose, him being a bit older and less sensitive to some things, and we keep the light off (salt lamp on) in the room while we get ready for bed (bathroom is open plan and light is on). This dimmer setting seems to be working well (and it what I did with Elba as well when she was little).

More movement

I am moving about a lot more now and I don't necessarily have much bleeding. Let's call it incredibly light spotting every now and then, but mostly nothing and I feel good. I am still managing how much movement I do (especially squats), but in general moving about our house quite a bit.

This was also brought on the butt pimples (sorry TMI - although this whole blog series is TMI) - those are from me sitting around a lot. I crave moving a bit more. I might bring in some light intentional movement soon.. let's see.

Doing more, but not too much

I come downstairs every day and eat meals with the family and we hang out - I realized it is easy to lose focus that this does need to still be a slower time. So, I end up doing some of the things I previously did (and will do again) just out of habit and being in the space, and obviously I am fully capable of doing them...

But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.

Ian is still making all the food and most of the cleaning laundry and kitchen) and then we both clean up the lounge area.

Me not doing all these things (yet) is not just about me. I also don't want Marshall to be in the carrier for too long in the day. He will have a lot of time in the carrier once Ian goes to work, so I also want to be mindful that he doesn't spend "too much" time in there. Not that I know how much carrier time is too much...

I have looked into it, and I can't seem to find an answer, so I go on observing my kid and what feels like too much. He is getting stronger and body is moving well, so he needs sufficient time to stretch out on the floor and be just in arms.

As an example we only use car seats that stay in the car. We don't have ones that you can carry around. This is not a practical parenting decision - especially not in Canada with the cold, but it is important to us to take kids out of the seat and put them in. This is better for their physical development and forces limiting the time they're in the seat (also we avoid a lot of driving when they are little for a few reasons).

Starting a new project, but hesitant

It is Elba's birthday in two days. I typically crochet gifts for other kids and she often asks me to make the thing I made for the other kid for her. So I'm going to start crocheting something for her, but I can feel that my energy isn't in the right place for this.

I am feeling a little less enthusiastic about starting this than I usually do and I am attempting a slightly more ambitious animal.

I also need (really want) to make a 3rd organic cotton bra, but also not feeling the energy for this right now...

So basically energy is lacking a bit..

Anxiety

This is something that needs to be focused on post partum irrespective of how strong our mental wellbeing is before birth... We can very easily go from normal amount of worrying about things to unhealthy anxiety spirals or constant states of anxiety...

One thing that impacts this of course - hormones and our birthing experiencing.

But there are also other things that will impact it in this time - who we allow into our space (physically and virtually), rest (I have been a bit more tired) and also - what stimulus we expose ourselves to (mainly screen time in my experience).

With Elba's first 40 days I was very strict on screen time (limiting it) and I read or listened to audibles and podcasts. This time I was a bit strict, but then I found myself spending WAY too much time scrolling FB (yes, weird I know, but I don't doom scroll reels, so I ended up scrolling FB group posts).

FB is not a happy place... or the algorithm shows me very depressing things... So it's time to cut this out.

And get back to just reading... It takes a bit to break the habit though, so this is just Day 1 of having the realization that I've gone and done too much wasting of life on FB and seeing depressing things.

Content - Content is not bad, but short form designed to be addictive content is a problem. The book "The anxious generation" is a really good one. Long form content - like blogs, long Youtube videos, audiobooks and podcasts do not have the same impact as scrolling short form content platforms. So if I want to engage - it is back to long form content for me.

And that is day 30! Thanks for being here - comments below are welcomed.