Day 40 - The end... but not really

And here we are - at the end of the first 40 days. I say sort of... because while we've completed our official rest, recovery and transition time... it doesn't end here.

It can and should take as long as we need. I am not one to push myself into unnecessary difficult situations (I don't avoid hard - I just don't do unnecessary stress). And what that means for me is there are so many firsts still to be done with two kids. So many transition things that I intend to ease myself into.

Ian is still off work for one more week. Today is Monday and he goes back to work next Monday. We will use this week to make some home adjustments, chats about how to do things, and ease into some things with two while Ian is still around to help.

Before I speak more on what is to come - let's talk about today.

Usual ending to the first 40 days

Traditionally one would do some closing of the bones ceremony to end the first 40 days. A way to end the phase and move to a new one.

I didn't do this. I didn't do it last time either.

Last time I thought that in future I would do this, and my reason for not doing it last time was that I focused so much on other things that this felt like another thing to plan. Interestingly it felt the same this time. I didn't feel like planning it. Given that the first 40 days is not something that is done in my culture and while I honour it because I do believe it is a sacred time - it isn't ingrained into my way of life or the people in my life, and therefore something like this would be explicitly planned and not just something that naturally happens.

If one uses the services of a doula or post-partum practitioner - like Vivara (they came to do a PP session for me around 2 weeks) - then often you can include this in those services. In my case I just didn't feel like organizing or planning anything.

Maybe this is a "mistake" and it is really important or makes a big difference. Sometimes we don't realize the value of something we didn't do. And we only know if we do it. Or maybe we do it and don't realize that in conjunction with other things it really did matter. I assume closing the bones is important and valuable - I just haven't gotten around to doing it either time.

My ending to the first 40 days

Honestly we don't do much - actually we did nothing special. For us the transition continues. The "when" I start doing more depends on me and our home circumstances. So Ian follows my lead with what I communicate I am able and ready to do. There is no expectation that now that the first 40 days is done I must suddenly take back all the tasks I did before (or will again do in future).

It is continuous conversations and sharing where I am at.

If I can share a tip for receiving spousal (or any support) - it is to honestly share. Be transparent and go out of your way to say how you are doing, and where you still need or want support. Like I said I am not ready to take back making 3 meals a day.

But today I did make rice - because Ian took Elba ice skating. Before he went he made a big pot of stew in the instant pot.

Instant pot meals are my go to in winter and when I am busy or don't want to be holding a baby near the stove. I used it a lot in Elba's first year.

The meat is Ossu buccu and Chuck Roast from our half a cow we bought. It has been really great having that meat. It isn't cuts we would think to buy, but given we have them we look into how to use them.

This stew will last several dinners.

Appointments

We chose a home birth for several reasons, but we also choose to limit how often we leave the house with a newborn (and with being PP). We left for the first appointment at 2 weeks - midwife check up. Before that the check ups were at home.

We moved our 6 week appointment that was going to be in this week to next week, because Ian has a work lunch and I am not ready to venture out with 2 kids on my own. And I haven't driven yet, and don't want to.

The driving aspect

It isn't that I can't. It is me being realistic that ALL women's brains are impacted PP by the hormones, the lack of sleep / weird sleep and the tending to baby and focusing on baby. This is not a good time to be driving. Yes, I can. Yes, women can. But I don't think it is a good idea to. So I won't drive until I feel ready to or circumstances make that it is important to.

After Elba I drove for the first time at 9 weeks post-partum when I started mom and baby yoga. That time not only was I PP, but also new to driving in Canada and on the other side of the road. Don't worry - I am a competent driver and had to redo my license here and passed. I was okay to drive at 9 weeks PP. It felt fine. Still not good. It feels unnatural to me to do such an act in this time, but as time (and experiences go on) it feels more normal.

I share this to say - there are no awards for pushing yourself to do something that might be stressful if is not necessary to do so. I understand for some it may be necessary, but if it isn't - don't do it - as an example I have a social thing in 3 weeks that is just for women. I've arranged with Ian to drive with me and go to a coffee shop nearby with Elba on a coffee date so that I don't need to drive or look for parking in the inner city. And I don't need to feel rushed to do something alone with two kids.

Hearing test

That all shared - we went to an appointment today - Marshall's hearing test.

It is a super quick appointment - literally less than 5 minutes for the actual test and he was in the carrier sleeping for it. This appointment is typically done in the first month. I delayed it a bit to not need to go to an appointment that wasn't urgent to do in the first month.

If something is important and necessary - of course we do it. But if it isn't - I highly recommend pushing out or doing it in a way that eases you into doing things. Seriously - there are no awards for doing stressful things if they are unnecessary, and also, we can quite easily fall into the motherhood culture of "suffering" as mothers. It best we don't do this. It best we ensure that we take care of our wellbeing and not worry about perceptions of being "weak". I am not weak. I am strong for choosing to do things at my own pace and to preserve my wellbeing to be the best parent and person I can be. I am not weak for asking for help or support. I am strong for building community and interdependence - and sending the message to others that I am here too if they want help or support.

I hope you tell yourself that too.

This for me is not unique to the first 40 days.

In "normal" life I also don't unnecessarily do stressful things. I do scary things that are worth it - yes. Like travelling or hiking with kids (later), but those things feel worth it for living our best life. Not some stressful errand.

Home sick - to the South African shop we go

Every now and then we go to the South African shop in Calgary to stock up on some South African goods. Also, it is an experience seeing all the familiar things.

We planned going there to buy some biltong as a thank you gift for our midwife, but ended up moving the appointment in the car ride. So more biltong for us and we will make some for Maddy.

We also got some rusks. I love rusks and rooibos tea (you may recall Ian made me some rusks).

Biltong, rusks, some lamb chops for dinner. And a little bit of South African feel is good for us. It has been 3.5 years since we've been back. We miss the beach and our family. I miss hearing and speaking Afrikaans. In pregnancy I was too tired in 1st trimester to speak Afrikaans to Elba (because she started mostly speaking English) and now sadly her English is very strong and her Afrikaans not so much. So I will get back to speaking to her in Afrikaans once we're more settled in our new rhythm.

This is one small example of things that just didn't happen in the process of expanding our family. There are more things - like less intentional activities with Elba's reading. Yes, she is very young, but she wants to read and asks us to teach her to read. I was doing intentional things for this, but stopped when my energy faltered.

Scheduled activities

I am going to see what needs to be picked up again and how we're going to do the things that we want to do. I am also looking at which parented (with baby joining) activities we want to do in Spring. I don't think children need to be enrolled in things and we can definitely over schedule their lives, but I do like doing something every now and then for some exposure to something new / different. And different people showing her how to do things. And other kids and family. We did gymnastics until I was 34 weeks pregnant. We won't be doing it again because it is parented without babies, and I think it will be nice to do something else.

I might also do drop in style things rather than committing to weekly things. We will see. Ian will continue (or try to) take Elba ice skating during his lunch break and after work, and on weekends. They both love doing that together.

Time outside

Today we also had some lovely time outside!

It was a bit of effort digging out Elba's spring gear, but it was worth it. We are in between seasons now - some days it is full on winter and some days we see hints of Spring (like today). Change of season time in our house does result in our front door being chaotic! A mixture of seasonal things that flow out the closet and lie around.

Once we're more settled or as a way of settling in more - I will endeavor to organize that and see how we can have what we need without it being chaotic. Because having an organized door to enter and exit the house easily really helps in motherhood - it helps for quick unplanned trips outside (like today) or generally just being calm and patient when leaving.

One of the times I am prone to being short and rushing is when leaving the house. An "easy" fix is to be more organized and plan better. This will be particularly important with two.

One problem though ... Elba literally keeps unpacking the diaper bag and putting random things in it... lol.

Things in our home

We will also be organizing more things in our home to make life easier. We are on a major declutter mission - lots of posts from me on the BUY NOTHING group and FB marketplace, because I am motivated to get rid of things. I need less to pick up, clean or move.

I did quite a big sort today in our kitchen to have less visual clutter and less things standing around. We are quite limited in terms of kitchen cupboards, so we need to use the space well (and we haven't been).

I was also given a large stash of post partum supplies from my neighbour who said to regift what I don't use. It was such a lovely large stash to receive. I mostly used the crampbark. And then today I regifted everything to another mom to be.

Side note: I do not use disposable pads. I use reusable ones. These were part of the stash. I did buy some organic disposable pads for the hospital bag I never intended to use but packed in case. I thank fully did not need to use the bag or the pads.

Upstairs I still have the bedside cart (tour of it coming soon to Youtube - when I get a chance to edit). On that I have a wipe warmer and I use reusable organic cotton cloths. Downstairs I have been using wet wipes. I will change that as we shift to being downstairs more and away from using the cart.

The cart will stay for as long as I am doing night changes. If I remember correctly Elba moved to a reusable night nappy at around 3 months. We will see when we make changes this time, since we do elimination communication and I will continue to do it at night for Marshall (I stopped for Elba for a while because it disturbed our sleep too much at some point).

EC up dates will be given here and on Youtube.

In this coming week though several things will change from being in the room or next to the bed to their more "usual" places, because I will be in the room less. One of those things is my laptop.

I did laundry & finished wool pants for Elba

I still haven't done laundry start to finish. Only parts of it. Today I folded it.

In my first 40 days with Elba laundry was one of the first tasks I started doing - this was because our laundry things were right outside our bedroom. So I sat on the floor with LEba and did it.

Now it is at our backdoor and tiled. And not a comfortable place to put Marshall. So I do it with him in the carrier. Which means lots of bending down in the carrier. I didn't want to do this too early because it is not good for my healing. I am feeling more and more up to it now.

When Ian goes back to work we will see how laundry works, because currently it is 2 loads a day and a lot to take downstairs every day (we wash bedding and towels daily because of Ian's skin).

And I finished Elba's pants! Cashmere wool pants. I love them. She isn't into them (yet).

And that is Day 40! Thank you for being here through this important time for our family.

Next up...

What is coming now

I will continue to share as we transition - there are so many firsts to come. And lots that will change now in this week before Ian goes to work and when he does.

I will no longer share daily, but weekly instead. And then I will shift to monthly as we do less new / firsts.

I hope you join me for that.

Side note - I had a hard time finishing today's blog. Things bit chaotic. More on that another day. I am happy I finally got to share it with you.