Day 37 - Sex & Sorting

You read the title right? Just checking because I don't want to keep putting TMI disclaimers.

I officially really stopped bleeding. Probably a week ago now, but I gave it time, because you know how it has been stop start... just when I think it is gone it comes back. Which means I felt ready for you know... for a few days now. But let me first talk about other things.

Here is a photo of my hair. I am going to look into booking an appointment to cut it off when I am out of the first 40 days, but Ian still on leave.

Physical Update

Yay no more bleeding. Like officially!!

I do NOT want to be pregnant again

I don't know if we will have more babies, but irrespective we space at least 3 years (or in this case 1 month shy of 3 years because I wanted a winter baby again). I will be back to tracking my cycle to avoid pregnancy.

Yes - you 100% can use tracking your cycle / fertility awareness method postpartum to avoid pregnancy. Yes, it can 100% be accurate with the only risk being human error or getting caught up in the moment. You are only able to get pregnant in your fertile window (about 5ish days). If you identify it correctly and don't have sex in that window - you will not get pregnant. If you don't identify it correctly or you get caught up in the moment or just take a chance - you may get pregnant. So if someone says tracking doesn't work - it works if you do it properly.

Logging your period in an app BTW is NOT tracking your cycle.

I have loads of free Youtube videos on tracking your cycle and how to avoid getting pregnant.

Also, you do not need to have a regular cycle for tracking to work. It works with irregular cycles too.

I also have the best journal for tracking (a paper chart and journal) - available digital download and on Amazon. It has good reviews on Amazon :)

I also co-created a course where I am the modules on how to track your cycle - it is super affordable to be accessible. It also contains amazing information on nutrition and other wellness things.

Right now that I've shared lots of resources on how not to get pregnant - back to me. I will not be getting pregnant.

It is important to note that while breastfeeding (exclusively and on demand) will in MOST cases suppress the return of our cycle, it does not do so in all cases, and also you will ovulate (most likely) before you bleed. So you need to track to see if ovulation comes and not wait for your bleed. Lots of people get pregnant on that first ovulation without bleeding.

My last PP I had at least 2 bleeds that were anovulatory (without ovulation) even with a 30 day "cycle". My ovulation and thus my period (a true period follows ovulation) only returned at 9 months PP. And I conceived the first cycle we were intentional about conception. I don't take chances :)

Okay - so I am back to tracking my cycle. Back to looking out for fertile signs and making notes of them. Why now? Well because sex can make babies... generally that is how babies are made. So if I am to engage in that activity I am going to track.

I will NOT use any other form of contraceptive

Each to their own, but if you know my story you know I wish I had never taken the pill. I took it for 6 years and then also spent about 3 being super healthy to make up for taking it (I carried on being healthy, but I did a lot in those first 3 years to get my hormonal health back).

The pill might be useful to avoid pregnancy and suppress unpleasant symptoms, but it comes with a whole lot of side effects and risks.

I also would not do an IUD. I don't want a foreign object in my body and also I am an IUD baby. It lived with me in the womb until I was born...

If I were to use any contraceptive - condoms. Ideally ones with some nice natural lube. But that is it.

Oh and also a major no is either me or Ian getting things done to prevent pregnancy. We will not be doing that either.

I want to repeat - I was super direct now about MY choices. each to their own, but if you want some excellent resources about why not to do those things and how to heal hormones, and how to track and live your best life with your cycle - I am your person :) I read so many books about womans health and wellbeing.

Digestion & weight & breasts

Quick pivot - I am a bit worried my digestion is not staying consistently good... I am thinking I might need to be very diligent about what I am eating (like even more than I am)... because I would like it to be regular and easy going. It is not currently.

A random weight update. I am hovering around 74kgs. That is 12 kgs down from my pregnancy weight, and about 10 up from pre-pregnancy. I think most of it is thighs, belly and breasts.

My breasts are deflating, but they still go extra big when they fill up. Still go lumpy. Still have heavy hard insides to them (breastfeeding breasts - or at least mine feel like they have so much going on).

Minimal leaking, but leaking every now and then. Especially my right side - the more lumpy one with smaller nip.

Food & Beverages

Ian is still making loads of broth. So much that he ran out of pig feet and couldn't get more, so made beef bone broth and then used the meat for this rice and broth dish with a side of carrot salad.

Still going strong on the breastfeeding snacks because I am up a lot (more on that in a moment).

Sleep & being tired

I am tired. I have been tired for a few days. Not the kind of tired where I just need a little sleep. The kind where I don't necessarily feel tired, but I know I am - I am irritable. I am lacking in motivation. I don't feel fantastic (we still have a mild cold).

We took a family nap today. Ian with Elba in the back there and me with M. But one nap is not going to cut it - I will need to for the forseeable future be mindful of my energy. I don't like being irritable from being tired.

Getting real about sleep

I've said more than once I don't like to complain about lack of sleep, but I do want to share my current reality. Little M is different from Elba. Both of them woke to nurse on average every 1.5 hours. So that I am used to. But Elba went straight back to sleep and slept in the c-curl next to me with no problems. She also stayed asleep if I got up to go to the bathroom or get something to drink (Ian always watched her in this time).

P.s. I am big on safe cosleeping. See the resource Safe Infant Sleep by James Mckenna.

Little M on the other hand has not wanted to sleep next to me much. And had a cold for the first bit of his life so he needed and wanted to sleep elevated. And now, although he is better, he still seems very sensitive with sleep and does not stay asleep at all if I move away from him and sometimes if I put him down.

So realistically I am not getting much sleep at night since I am up every 1.5 hours and then not getting much sleep in between that.

And then also back to the topic of intimacy and sex - a baby that wakes if I am not holding him is a real practical hurdle.

The photo above was taken at 1am and sent to my family. I am regularly awake in the night to help little M get comfortable to sleep again.

P.S. For safe chest sleeping see the Instagram page Happy Cosleeper. For safe bedsharing the c curls on a firm flat surface is the safest. But in times of need parent often chest sleep - so best to know how to mitigate risks.

P.P.S. Little M's need for me holding him so much might be something he outgrows, but we will be intentional to give him as much connection and nurture as he needs, while also looking into the right amount and kind of stimulus and if he does need any release cry (in loving arms) of any pent up stuff. See Aware Baby for more on this.

Sorting and Snow

Spring usually means spring cleaning, but the snow for me means sorting time. I need this house to be more functional and organized for me to be able to function properly when I am not in rest mode.

So after our family nap - time to sort some things out. Like Elba's sensory table.

This table is a source of frustration for me. It has so many things piled on it (because we pick up everything for the robot vacuum to go each morning). But also.... her beans.

For over a year this table has been referred to as "playing beans" - because it had lentils, beans, and sunflower seeds in.

End of an era, but it is time for them to go.

I am tired of stepping on random beans and lentils. I am tired of cleaning them up. And Elba seems to have mostly outgrown them.

It is time for the beans to go.

And I am sorting out all Elba's arts & crafts things. She loves arts and crafts - that why I started creating colouring in books. She is able to do more crafts now - like cut, glue, paint, etc and therefore I want the crafts to be easily accessible for her (and the ones that are not out to be easy for me to put out for her).

I set up paint for her today.

Anyways... the table will now be an arts and craft table.

And I am happy to share that it does not have loads of things piled on at the end of the day.

The ball will move soon too (and the owl). See the little beans on the floor? That been my life for over a year. And I didn't mind it because Elba loved "playing beans" but now I mind and she is over playing beans.

Also she helped me sweep some of them up.

Sex

Here is a photo of my outfit of the day - PJ pants, a comfortable top with some milk on it and carrying my baby around with hair that needs to be washed. So the usual for this time...

But just because my usual attire is definitely not sexy, does not mean my husband is not attracted to me. So here is first sex topic.

Sexual needs are valid needs

Most humans have sexual needs. Our libido may go up or down in different phases, but generally we have sexual needs. Otherwise, our species would not survive. One of the ways of speaking about parenting or PP that I dislike is when people "wrong" men for still having sexual needs post baby and "how dare they expect"...

Something that has enriched my marriage in general is learning to separate my needs from someone else's needs. So, I may not feel up to sex PP, but that should not translate to me not wanting my spouse to have, or express, his sexual needs. It just means figuring out how to get both people's needs met. But I don't want to go into that narrative where women complain about men wanting intimacy.

Desiring intimacy is normal, healthy and beautiful. The HOW is what makes a difference.

Communication

I know it can be awkward. I know so often women avoid this topic, or use indirect language to send hints that they are not ready, and then men can also become a bit strange and needy, which is off putting so then everyone is being a bit avoidant and doing things that creates disconnection...

My approach - just speak plainly. Even if it is uncomfortable and doesn't feel natural. Ask questions - like hey. How are you don't with our current situation with less physical touch and intimacy?

And then offer up my information - like I feel nervous about this or that.

Since this is my 2nd time doing this, I know more now. The first time I don't think I communicated well. I didn't ask questions. I was avoidant. I was nervous of pain (I had stitches last time). And I had no libido for 6 months.

This time I know to check in, to communicate and to express that intimacy in marriage matters and even if it doesn't look like it - I care about it. I bring it up, so my spouse knows I am considerate of this in this time.

Do I need to be in the mood?

Here I am only going to speak for myself - but I used to think I need to be in the mood before the time. I have since come to embrace that I in fact do not. And in motherhood often may not be. It may not be on my mind. Caring for infants is not a sexy mood so I will not be tending to a child and then jump to being in the mood.

I decided a while back to lean in to the idea that I don't have to be in the mood, because the act itself will bring it about. And that has been great for me in motherhood to balance the act of caring and my erotic life. Using the words of Ester Perel here - the author of Mating in Captivity (there is a chapter on becoming parents and the erotic life if I remember correctly).

Each to their own - but the approach of not expecting myself to be in the mood works for me. I also schedule sex. Yup doesn't sound romantic. But we do have distorted perceptions of what works if we base life on the movies. For most women it is sexy scheduling it, because then you know it is coming and can think about it during the day. Spontaneity is for some, but not everyone. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing. So I schedule, otherwise life can get too busy. I hate saying that but it is easy for the day to be filled with tasks and then intimacy just doesn't get prioritized.

Will I ever have good sex again?

So many women wonder this after babies! I have spoken to so many friends who have had this question! This is especially true if there was some damage done to the bits.

If it helps, I recommend going to see someone or looking into things to do if there is pain - like pelvic work, or a tantra person, or something. Of course initially we sometimes just need to give time to heal - most birth tearing (if not super severe) will heal in 6 to 12 weeks. If there is pain thereafter I would say look to being intentional about supporting healing beyond just waiting.

In my case last time I did a pelvic floor assessment at 9 weeks. I didn't want to do it again. Yes, it can be very helpful, but I have seen enough pelvic floor physios now (I saw before birth as well) to know what exercises and things they recommend, and I don't want an assessment unless something hurts. I don't just want to do it because it is done.

I don't have pain this time. I don't have pelvic floor pain and I didn't tear. So I don't have other pain. I am so grateful!

Anyway - to give some context to "will I ever have good sex again" - I think the answer lies in whether you want to or not. Despite what the movies show - a good sexual erotic relationship doesn't just happen. It probably can, but in most cases it doesn't. I like the book Mating in Captivity because it really unpacks the erotic life of monogamous couples. I also have her Ester Perel) conversational card game - it is good. I like it for general playing (with friends) and then it also has some cards specific to erotic stuff. I find all the cards to be very connecting.

I take the approach in this (sex) department like I do with everything else - I read a bunch of books, I reflect, I talk about it, and I do things with the information I read. I do this because I have been in a few long relationships and I lived out how things fizzle. I didn't want that for my marriage, so I engaged with this topic a long time ago, and then I reengage in times like this.

So to answer - will I have good sex again? Yes - make it happen. Make it better than before! Look into whatever needs to be healed physically. Look into what you need for a healthy libido (your libido while naturally low when breastfeeding, should not be low and is a sign of health - see our wellness discussion).

For me - sex life became better after becoming a parent. I think because I needed to be intentional about it. I became less awkward about communication. I cared less about somethings I thought mattered and realized they don't.

Yes, it might be challenging initially

I say that, but it did take like a year... And I was kind of bummed when I went into pregnancy again knowing that it will be up and down for a while again. I know lots of people don't talk about this - so I am. So you know you aren't alone.

Anyways here we are 37 days PP. I feel good to go physically - no bleeding, no pain. And my libido seems good! Definitely not like my first PP experience. Also, I don't feel touched out - which I think is a miracle, since I generally am not huge on touch and I literally have a child touching me almost every moment of the day.

But I do have the practical hurdle of baby who will not sleep by himself.

While I am all for sharing in a helpful way - sharing more details at this point would not be helpful, and just be a bit weird. But to share generally speaking - there will be many reasons not to do it. But I think it is worth trying. And if it gets interrupted, then pivot and change to something else (intimacy doesn't just mean sex) or just try again another day. That is my approach.

If you don't want to do anything

This time I am good to go, but quickly on being sore, or worrying about pain or having low libido. All I can say is - look to healing and communication.

And then some reminders that connection and intimacy in a marriage matters and is worth investing in.

Our partner's needs matter. Yes, so do ours. But I am saying this to say - if there are things we are not up for, we can communicate and explore what we are up for. But best not resent our partner for having needs in a time where our needs are a little different.

This is a time in our marriage where we will need to become a stronger team - a team that looks for ways to meet both people's needs, while caring for littles. Your partnership in general is so worth investing in. And the same things that help you parent well, generally extend to all areas of partnership. Things like communication, being open about needs and willing to strategize about how to get everyones needs met, etc.

Concluding remarks on this topic

I hope me sharing is helpful. I know most couples have challenges here after babies - so I hope there is something valuable, or just validation.

And also - please track your cycle. It is best to space children at least 18 months, but generally a minimum of 3 years.

Sewing

I am still busy cutting feet off sleepers and making cuffs.

I have a basket of sleepers lined up to go.

But also I have a new PIN board in the making with some new projects to come...

And that is Day 37 - only 3 days to go!

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