Day 38 - Can I hold a conversation?

Long before I became a mom I went to a braai (South African BBQ) and there was a woman there who had just had a baby (one week PP). I remember seeing her sit staring at nothing. Staring, but you could see she wasn't taking in her environment. When people spoke to her she responded in short sentences and didn't make conversation the way I knew her to. I wondered if she was just tired, or maybe still in pain from giving birth.

But now I know... today I was that person sitting staring at nothing.

Before I explain more ... let me cover a bit about today - starting with our morning outside.

If you live in Calgary (or probably all of Canada) - you go outside when you've got decent weather

Any day of decent weather means we go outside. We can't afford to waste some warm sun being inside.

On that note - We have UV again! I mean minimal (only 2), but still! We go months with zero UV. I use the DMinder app for UV.

To take M outside I put him in the carrier and then in my coat. Today is sunny, but still very cold. So he is in my hoody and in my coat.

Also - random but it's been on my mind so much to figure out how I will pick up so many things off the floor now that I usually have M in the carrier. I can't squat that many times a day? I think the answer lies in less stuff for Elba (or the rest of us) to put on the floor.

Ian is practicing snowboarding... because he has a season pass and intends to go a bunch of times in March and April (this month and next)... I'd love this for him, but I am also aware that soon he will be back at work and then going snowboarding is at least half a day's activity.

Ian has been wanting me to participate in winter sport things since we moved here, but I was pregnant, then had a baby, then pregnant again and now I have a baby again. But I am wanting to figure it out.

Elba and Ian have been going ice skating on average 3 times a week since he has been on parental leave. We're talking and considering how we will do different activities once Ian goes back to work. I am looking into some parented classes for Elba that allow a baby in a carrier to attend. And who knows how we will do swimming... but let's see.

My coat extender is Make My Belly Fit (fits most coats). I use this a lot in the first year. After the first year I dressed Elba in her own suit in the carrier. But when they are little, it is easier to keep them warm with my body heat, and then they are dressed for the car and the carrier. No need to add layers.

Random updates

Crafts

The arts and craft set up is working. I gave Elba some glue, scissors, brown and green paper, and I drew the outline of a tree. She was sticking "leaves" today.

I don't think I will be able to come up with arts & craft activities to do on the day (maybe I will), but I am thinking to lean into making lists to help me manage all the things - like food, playdates, activities, and more. I currently use Notion. On laptop, our home tablet, and my phone.

Physical update

Breasts are still large - especially when full. They go a bit lumpy. But I assume they will be like this for several months. I stocked up on lanolin thinking I would use it a lot like I did last time, but turns out my nips are used to breastfeeding and I barely needed it this time. I've also barely used the reusable breast pads because I am not leaking this time (some random leaks every now and then, but not like last time).

Digestion - Not good.... Gone backwards. This happened last time as well. Well last time it wasn't good from the start, but got worse. It's gotten worse again, so I will need to figure out what needs to get cut or added in to maintain healthy regular bowel movements...

Energy - I took a short nap. But I am not feeling well rested just yet.

Can I hold a conversation?

Today we went for dinner at friends. We stopped at the shop on the way to buy some dessert things to take with. It was lovely because it is a natural shop we frequent and the people who knew I was pregnant asked about baby (he stayed in the car with Ian).

Anyways - the dinner was lovely too, but there was a time in the evening where I just sat on the couch staring (in my case I was nursing M) - I remembered seeing the woman years before staring. And I remembered wondering, after I had Elba, if I would ever be able to hold a proper conversation again. If my brain would ever function the way it did before.

I remember making friends after just moving to Canada with my "I just became a mom" brain. It was hard. I would leave places wondering if I had any sense when I spoke. And wondering if my intentions with what I was saying was clear. It is wild to me that I made friends in a new country shortly after having a baby, because honestly... my brain functions so differently.

I find it difficult to focus on what the person is saying, but somehow I feel more connected to people? I find it my mind is not as coherent answering questions I am so used to answering - like what I do for work or what I studied. It is interesting to me what my mind focuses on and what it doesn't, what it can easily process, and what just doesn't stick.

It isn't about being tired. It is about being in tune with my baby. In tune with his needs and ready to respond on short notice. Thinking about millions of mom things, even though it doesn't seem like it. Processing so much new.

We had dinner with friends we knew before I was pregnant. To them I am the same person. But I am not. I don't feel like the same person. I feel like a new person needing to process so much new. Having dinner at someone's house is now different when I am there with two littles.

I am back to the whole thing of breastfeeding in public and wondering if people are going to judge me (I don't use a cover). And pottying M and wondering if people are going to think I am weird. Actually, with both those things my first thoughts are around how to practically do it - where to sit and how to put my things down or hold him, followed by wondering what people will think.

Side note - M did poop and pee in the potty when at dinner. It is pretty amazing. I though he might not since we were out. But this dude prefers the potty. Still going strong with all but 1 poop in the potty for more than a week.

I don't remember when my mind became a bit clearer for conversation after having Elba, but I don't think it was in the first year. There was constantly so much new to take in and focus on her (although my situation was probably aggravated by all the new from moving to a new country).

I feel my mind is slightly clearer this time around, but still a different brain to other times. I notice it most in social situations. I don't notice it as much with just Ian or at home. In social situations I leave wondering if I finished a sentence, I was busy with, or remembered to respond to something I thought would be good to respond to, and other variations of wondering if I appear "normal".

Who knows... But I assume it is fine.

Community

I believe who we surround ourselves with is important. It isn't about choosing people who have similar parenting styles. While I do like that in terms of sound boarding or sharing ideas, I have found recently I am drawn to people who seem to have energy for life.

I don't mean they are energetic. I mean they are real and just focused on living their best life. They take things head on. They laugh and do things that make them happy. And importantly - they are easy to be around. Conversations are easy. Doing things and making plans are easy.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think social is about easy. I am more than willing to do hard. But I am realizing with parenting - I parent a bit differently from the mainstream. After I had Elba I realized how differently. And I found it difficult to connect with people - because I couldn't relate to their parenting things, or they couldn't relate to mind, or I was so excited to share, but then there was the risk of coming across as thinking what I am doing is "better".

When I have a baby, the differences are a lot more apparent vs a toddler. And I've come to realize that in this time I so appreciate relationships and people who are just focused on living their best life - the ease I spoke of. It is an ease where I can share my parenting interests and it isn't taken personally. And we can talk about life - beyond complaining about motherhood, kids or husbands. I find it difficult to be around constant complaining. Mostly because I can join in when it is happening just out social habit, but I find I leave the conversation feeling... not good.

To my point above - I am not sure I can hold this conversation of typing what I want to get across here. I am sitting with little M on my lap and I am aware that my mind is all over the place right now... so let's leave it here.

Thanks for being here for Day 38! 2 days left.

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