Week 6 - Transitioning to a family of 4

We've done the first 40 days and now in Week 6 PP we are at Ian's final week of parental leave before he returns to work.

Basically, a week for me to ease into a few things, while still getting some rest, and for us to do things in preparation for Ian returning to work and me being home full time with two kids.

How much leave should the other parent take?

After Elba Ian only took 3 days off. He then worked from home for a month. He was new in his job and didn't qualify for parental leave yet.

This time he took the full 6 weeks of parental leave he is entitled to. It isn't with full pay, so it does have a financial impact, but it is still great that there is the option to take 6 weeks.

I know in most cases the friends I speak to have their partners take about 2 weeks off. If Ian took 2 weeks off, I think I would have asked my mom to come and help. We can rise to the challenges we're presented, but I don't think I would have wanted to go into 2 kids full time by myself at 2 weeks PP.

That being said - even with Ian taking 6 weeks off we will ease into things thereafter as well with him working from home 3 days a week and potentially working 4 day weeks until my mom comes to visit.

There is CAN and then there is what feels well (I don't know what other word to use to describe it). We CAN do with less support, and Ian taking less leave and me figuring it out, but we believe that the foundation we set now matters and therefore we look for ways to really build a solid foundation with whatever resources and options we have available to us.

How much leave do I take?

Technically none. I am self-employed. I scaled down my business before Elba was born because I didn't want to have commitments I couldn't honour. And then I worked after she was born as much as I felt I could given exclusive breastfeeding and the timezone difference (consulting to South Africa) and making videos.

And then when Ian got sick I couldn't really do much work, so my consulting tapered down to very little - mostly document drafting and consults here and there.

When he got better, I did more work, but then I was pregnant again and not knowing how life will look with two kids at home with me.

And here we are - where I take on work as it comes in and if I feel I can deliver. I create videos and other content as I am able to. But essentially, I don't stop working. I just do less or more depending on opportunities and my capacity. I don't take a fixed period of time off.

But I have also learnt in my years of being self-employed that sometimes taking a financial knock is worth it - sometimes for health, sometimes for wellbeing and in this case for kids.

Stay at home mom

I stay home with my kids because we think that is what is best for them. We made sacrifices and figured things out in spite of huge challenges we were faced with in order for me to stay home with our kids.

Through moving to a new country. Through having a baby with no friends or family support. Through Ian being incredibly ill and barely able to function and somehow working to provide. And more.

We continue to choose this life - one of less financial stability or certainty by being a (mostly) single income household - only one of us holds a full-time job. We forgo things we would have had if we were dual income.

But we are choosing this and we are figuring out as we go. Doing what we can to create a wholesome life that feels right and good for us.

Now that all being said -

I found it challenging to get anything done in the first year of baby

In the first year of Elba I found it hard to get anything done.

Exclusively breastfeeding - not bottles. No pacifiers.

No containers.

And cosleeping with focus on attachment and nurture.

And no family around.

You can see why I would find it challenging to get anything done. This time I am a bit more prepared in terms of what will allow me to get things done while still having the same factors + a toddler.

And that is what this week is - our transition week. Preparing a few things (we will need more than this week) so that I can do things that I need and want to get done while parenting how we want to.

Figuring out who will be responsible for what in the house

In the first 40 days Ian did pretty much most things. Importantly he did food.

Tasks will start to become shared, but Ian will continue to do a lot - particularly the food.

Ian makes breakfast before we get up and then I heat it up and dish it.

This week he is making a lot of broth for us to continue to have broth twice a day.

He is also making food that lasts several dinners so that we can freeze some or we can eat it while we prepare for his return to work (the latter is what happened this week).

Lunch I will do. I will also ease back into things like sourdough baking and snack making.

For now Ian is still doing a lot there and he made biltong for us.

We love having biltong in the house - a healthy meat snack. Made from the half a cow we bought with pure organic herbs and spices.

On the note of food I need to talk about my digestion

Going to the bathroom

Okay - so my digestion is really not good at the moment. This is very frustrating for me. I think it is hormones. And then I also think I am not consuming enough liquids. I am trying but if you've breastfed - you know. You need a lot. It is alike a full time job consuming that many liquids.

Now the problem with a crappy digestion is a few things - it is uncomfortable and not healthy, but also... I have two kids. I can't just go to the bathroom whenever I want.

And since my digestion is not good I feel the need to go when my body says go.

Which sometimes is a challenge.

Welcome to my bathroom view...

One kid on the floor. Elba's potty. And Elba reading her book to me. And me hoping Marshall stays happy on the floor so I can finish up.

I found it challenging going to the bathroom with one kid - now with two... hmmm. I'll just figure it out I guess. And have an audience.

Back to nourishment and our morning routine

We seem to have figured out a nice morning routine. Ian wakes up early (on condition we didn't go to bed to late), and he makes breakfast and some warm milky cacoa for me and Elba (and leaves it next to the bed), and then he goes to gym.

I don't mind if the Elba or Marshall or both wake up and Ian's still at gym. The mornings seem to be an easier time than the rest of the day.

Having the milky cacoa is great - Elba gets something in as she wakes up and so do I. It gives us time to finish up in the room without running on empty. Since we have an upstairs and a downstairs it is best for us to finish everything upstairs and then go downstairs for breakfast.

On that note - since Day 41 I officially started wearing normal clothes again.

I wore PJs for 40 days and now I am back to wearing my usual clothing (sort of) - I am still about 10kgs above my usual weight and I don't want to stretch my clothing. So I am picking old tights and baggy shirts.

But - my breasts are shrinking and waist are going back down - so I need to alter some of the bra's that fit newly post-partum and in pregnancy to make them a bit smaller.

My hair

We have figured out morning routine, but night time is still a struggle for us to get everything done and get everyone asleep. So I am just not getting to wash my hair. Something more important keeps coming up.

So I asked on our local group for hair cutting recommendations. A friend saw my post and offered to come cut my hair.

Said friend has zero hair cutting training. She cuts her partner's hair and her own. But she knows I don't really want to go to a salon. I don't care about cutting my hair into a style - I just want it practical. So that is happening.... She is coming next week to cut my hair.

Shopping

We also went to a few shops this week.

Elba needed an ice-skating helmet (she has been wearing her bike one so far). And Ian wants new snowboarding boots.

Maybe these seem like luxuries - but for us South African's living here in Canada - we need to embrace winter sports as one way to stay sane through the very long winter.

On that note I need to find time (make time) to do our citizenship application. I am a bit nervous to do this in case I make a mistake, but also if I will be able to write the test we need to do. I put off doing this in pregnancy for fear of when the test would be and potentially clash with birth or newborn.

Thrifting

Moving on - we also went to a few thrift stores.

I am on a mission to replace all the polyester blankets in our home with natural ones. The ones on our beds are cotton, but Elba seems to be attached to some polyester ones that I'd like to replace with cotton.

We found two nice 100% cotton ones. I am happy with that. Maybe in future one more. But this is good for now.

Also some placemats ... you saw we were using cork heat things until now at our table. And some yarn for gift crocheting. And some winter gear for Marshall.

And ... not pictured here, but Ian found two really good computer monitors at the thrift store. And that inspired us to create a workstation for me downstairs so that I can do things while having two kids.

A workstation downstairs

I used to be able to work (sometimes) in Elba's nap. Now with two that won't be possible. So we've come up with a plan for me to have a workstation downstairs with a standing desk for me to work with Marshall in the carrier and Elba playing nearby.

Before

P.s. We don't watch TV. We just don't have anywhere to store it so it stays there.

And now the after...

The washing needs to go here to be convenient to do. We have other less obvious and in our face places for it - but I need it to be easy to do.

We put both my sewing machine and overlocker (serger) here for my DIY projects.

And then a standing desk - electronic to work.

When I say work - I also mean admin and projects. work = things. Doing things. No just work work.

I am super happy with this set up. I have used it a few days and it is making such a difference! My laptop was with me in the room for the first 40 days and I am so happy we could move it to a more permanent / fixed place. My laptop is bulky and heavy (powerful, but dense). I am also using one of the monitors Ian thrifted and we will sell mine.

Outings

With going to the shops I could see what is a challenge with two kids in prep for when I start doing this on my own.

From packing the diaper bag. To getting both in their seats. To putting M in and out the carrier, while making sure Elba is okay in the shop and parking. It is quite a bit.

Back to breastfeeding in public

I had my first experience (with Marshall) of nursing in the car.

With Elba it was a bit easier because I had the back seat to put her in and out the car seat and nurse her and change her. Now we have two seats back there. So nursing little M in front and having to put him in and out the seat in the cold - which I don't like. But I would rather do that than have a seat we take out - so I remind myself it is a short season of life (and we are nearing the end of Winter).

Birthday party

I also went to my first social event with little M. A birthday party at an indoor play place.

Little M was asleep in the carrier for most of it. It was his longest car ride (24 minutes). Elba had a blast. Ian was with Elba. I tried to appear normal and see if I could hold a semi normal conversation. Mostly I was fine to just stand around observing and listening, not talking much (which is different for me - I am pretty talkative).

I made a gift - crocheted an elephant. But I didn't LOVE it, so I finished Elba's cow and gifted that instead. Both patterns from Mama made minis. And then I gifted the rabbit listened. And a wool head band.

On the way back we went to get some 2nd hand weightlifting shoes for Ian in lots of snow. Thankfully both kids slept peacefully in the car.

All in all - a good way to end the week!

Tomorrow Ian goes back to work and I start my journey of two kids with me at home.

Lets see how it goes!

Oh as a precaution I have limited social and ask friends if I can just reach out when I am ready, because I am not feeling up to it right now. I am feeling internal and wanting to figure things out at home.

But... I am also feeling very villager-like after all the support I received. So tomorrow I am making and dropping (walking distance) a care package for another mom. And on Tuesday I am doing a care package for friends in Ireland (online).

I share this to say - community is give and take. I spend a lot of time checking in with people, responding to texts and I am happy to, even when it is challenging, do things I think are life enriching.

On the text note - I am literally texting (long essays) with a few moms who live so close - like walking distance. But we are not ready to take on hanging out, because over text we can complete sentences. In person we spend a lot of time not finishing conversations because we are tending to kids.

So while I don't want to do in person meet ups this coming week - I am staying connected and I am doing my villager things.

Thanks for being here!!!

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