Week 7 - First week solo parenting 2 (in the day)

Ian is back at work. It was the first week of him being back at work and me doing more house things while being with both kids. He worked from home this week & took Friday off (but went snowboarding - more on this later).

Week summary - it was a bit of a blur.

General overview of first week solo with 2

I was expecting the days to feel very long. I remember when Elba was a few months old some days would feel very long until Ian finished work. That was surprisingly not the case this week.

The week feels like blur. Days passed quickly. The week passed quickly. I think the difference is how busy it is with two kids (and home stuff). I was constantly tending to one or both of them, and when not tending to one or both of them I was attempting to get the laundry done or something else in the house.

My biggest struggle - being patient. Nothing about these days felt graceful. I wish it did. As a highly sensitive person (don't love using such labels, but it is the fastest way to say it) - the stimulation (constantly) is a lot.

It feels like my biggest parenting challenge in this time is going to be finding calm in the chaos. Feeling grounded and patient and letting go of being rushed. Being able to switch between tasks really fast without it impacting me (this has already improved in parenting, but needs more).

I felt pretty sad a few times this week at just not being as patient or as soft spoken as I wanted to be. Especially with Elba. Actually, only with her.

Yup the floor is covered in stuff...

Huge transition for Elba

This was a huge transition week for her. Up until now she did (mostly) have one parent who could tend to her needs for most of the day. Ian going back to work definitely seemed to impact her a lot, even with him working from home and not closing the door, and giving her time during the day, spending his lunch breaks with her and still taking her ice skating.

She had a lot of big feelings. Many of which I was able to be fully present with, but not all of them and I was not able to as patient as I wanted to be for her during moments where she had behaviours that clearly indicated her needing attention (or connection is you want to call it that since some people think wanting or needing attention is a bad thing - even though it is a perfectly normal need we all have).

We had times like at dinner she insisted we only speak to her and not to each other. She did things she knows we don't want her doing and made sure we saw her doing it. She was "silly" but not in the fun calm kind of way - in the way that screams - I need some connection.

In moments like that those of us who were parented with mostly reward and punishment may be inclined to "discipline". I know that in those moments she needs connection. Not me telling her what to do. But there is what I know and want to do, and then there is my reality. Several times I was too busy or too tired to give the calm connection that would have been best in the moment. And I simply told her to stop doing whatever she was doing.

This is what I will be working on for the foreseeable future.

Responsibility without shame, and also not being complacent

Several times I went to bed knowing that tomorrow is a new day and I can try again. Not shaming myself, but taking full responsibility of the times I didn't show up how I wanted.

And while I don't pick up the "shame stick". I also don't become complacent.

I don't subscribe to the whole culture of "mothers need to survive and do whatever to survive. No judgement". I've seen this being used to justify excessive screentime or junk food or other things parents generally don't want for their kids. Yeah, let's not shame each other. And let's give compassion, but let's not encourage a state of survival or continued parenting things that we know are not good for children. We can support mothers in better ways.

I say that to say - no matter how long it takes me to get to showing up how I want to all the time - I will continue on that journey and not become complacent. I will not shame myself, but I will take responsibly and I will repair, and I will look for ways to make changes where necessary.

And that is what a lot of this week has been - changes where necessary and just doing daily things because that is a lot right now.

Getting ready and making the trip downstairs

Each morning we wake up to some milky cacao made by Ian for me and Elba next to the bed.

This way I get something of substance in after a night of waking a few times and nursing little M. It also takes us (me) a while to get myself dressed and ready, sort of help Elba get dressed and ready (she usually does it herself), make the bed, round up the laundry and other things to go downstairs, tend to little M and then finally put him in the carrier and make the trip downstairs.

With lots of things...

The grey containers from Costco have been so used in our home to take things from upstairs to downstairs. The other basket is my general things I take up and down (diapers, my beverages, my journals, etc).

I will figure out how to have less things to go downstairs, but currently we have the green laundry basket - which is diapers to go on a rinse cycle before the washing is done.

Then all the washing - usually some towels and sheets that bulk it up.

Empty beverage containers and things I need for the day.

Initially I carried it all down myself + Marshall in the carrier. But I've shifted to leaving the laundry upstairs for Ian to bring down when he comes down for a work break or I will get it once the diapers have been rinsed.

Helpful toddler & husband

It seems to be a thing where parents note how helpful their toddler is with a second baby. And while Elba wanting to help with Marshall is sweet (but also requires active management from me) - I find the more helpful / beautiful thing I experience is Elba being helpful with home things. Not because I ask her. Just because she's always done it with me or around me while I do it.

Now that she is older - she is actually helpful in her participation.

As an example, she volunteers to clean the dryer filter and throws all the dryer items in the dryer and turns it on.

It is helpful, but I also I like doing life with her.

Ian went snowboarding

I share this because it is something many women can relate to - maybe it isn't snowboarding, maybe it is golf or something else. But often the reality of having a baby is that this the time where mothers are more restricted in terms of activities that can easily be done and there may be some resentment that build in the marriage as a result of viewing the father as having more freedom.

Not 50:50 in the typical sense

I don't have resentment for this. I don't care much for the societal push of things appearing 50:50 between partners. I don't ask or expect Ian to help much with Marshall other than hold him while I bath or eat, and maybe a potty offer here and there. I tend to his needs, I breastfeed and carry him majority of the time. Like I did with Elba.

When I have small children it is not my time for doing loads of other things - it is my time to be with my small children. And I think it is great if we can structure home things such that Ian has time and energy to go to gym in the morning and go snowboarding while the season lasts.

And when I feel like those activities place additional pressure on me - I communicate. Not in a sulky annoyed way, but in a way that says - "hey this is great for you, but could we do it such that you get back 1 hour earlier or could you put on the laundry before you go..." This is the best time for us as a couple to enhance our communication, and also learn to be flexible in how we support each other (and be more efficient in general to have time and energy for what matters the most to us).

I don't feel like I am missing out by not going to gym and not going snowboarding. It is a privilege to have this time with littles. Yes, it is a huge adjustment from the life I had before kids, but of course it would be - these are little beings I get to care for and do life with.

This stage is hard

Now that being said - this super baby stage is hard. It is very hands on. I have had many times where I thought - yup. I could be done having kids now and not do this phase again (and just take it all in now and enjoy it one last time).

But hard isn't bad. And this part really isn't that long.

Things Ian does

While things may not look 50:50 here - especially when I get asked about things like "who does the night shift". We are functioning as a very supportive home at the moment. And we haven't always - we've worked at this for years. Years of asking how to support each other more, and learning to communicate our needs for effectively and parenting as spurred on creating a more supportive home.

P.S. things constantly change - so we may be functioning as a super supportive home this week and next week or next month things may be different.

Right now, Ian is still doing most of the food. He preps breakfast so that I just heat it and dish it when I come down.

Although I am getting tired of oats now and I think we're going to change the breakfast menu. Tired of eating it, but also it feels like it has so many steps to it that make the morning take long.

Ian makes broth so that we have twice a day.

Cleans up the kitchen at the end of the day and packs the dishwasher twice a day. He helps with laundry - usually by folding it and packing it away, but also, we take turns hanging it depending on who is available to do it (we do laundry daily).

He plays outside with Elba in the super cold and does the long play of countless rides down the driveway on her bicycle.

I often see women complain about their husbands during the baby phase and I saw a response that I thought was impactful - It said something like "My husband was useless with the baby. I didn't like him in the first year of parenting. But he is an amazing husband and father to our toddler now". Basically, the person was telling women not to make rash judgements of their marriage or their partners as parents based on the baby phase.

Now my husband isn't useless with the baby, but I recognize that I feel so much more supported and things flow in our home when we play to our strengths. Me with baby. And him doing toddler play. And him doing other home-based things that help our family function and be healthy - like going grocery shopping. When this falls to me to do we spend more because I typically order all our groceries online.

Moving on - Ian made us a lovely lamb chop dinner.

A photo of a very full kitchen of Ian making dinner and broth.

Lovely lamb chops with some mash and Ian's homemade lamb gravy (from the lamb bones a bit ago).

We are attempting to cook meals such that we have healthy food, but we minimize how often we cook from scratch. So far the batch carrot making is working well, Ian's back to doing his boiled mushrooms, having broth in the fridge constantly, and each dinner is at least 2 or more meals.

On the note of making things...

Being the villager

For 7 weeks now I have received from my "village" and I am so grateful. I received care packages, words of support, and some physical help in the home as detailed in these blogs.

And now it is my time to again be a villager. A couple we know from our local park had a baby 2 weeks ago.

I am not back to baking sourdough just yet, but I did leave some marshmallow root over night to make marshmallows.

I don't think I've made any food items since Marshall was born and here I am making marshmallows and a care package on the first day of having two kids by myself.

Not my neatest batch (I let it whisk a little far) but tasty and healthy.

I call these Skin Marshmallows - I got the recipe from Noelle on IG (she has a marshmallow highlight). These contain: grassfed gelatin, marshmallow root tea, vanilla, maple syrup, tremella powder, pearl powder and butterfly pea flower powder.

I included some Simply. Pure & Natural Products for this mom as well.

Pictured is the super pure and natural personal care package for mom and baby.

Elba and I walked to drop off the care package.

Little trips like this are a great way for me to ease into doing things with two. We got into our cold and snow gear for a little walk to drop this package and then back home. Little M in the carrier in my coat.

P.S. if you don't get what I am talking about - there are so many layers and things we wear in winter. It is quite a thing to dress yourself and kids to go outside.

I was also a villager the next day, but differently. Close friends of ours have gone through a terribly ordeal with her daughter becoming very ill and they are finally at home after several weeks of living in the hospital. I arranged with another friend who helped me and then I ordered them some specifically chosen groceries to be delivered to their house in Ireland.

We often think if we live far from someone we can't support them much - and yes, we can't do anything physically, and yes it makes things a bit harder to do. But we live in a world that is very easy to order things online to be delivered - be it a gift, gift card, some food (or food voucher) or like in this case groceries.

And I think it makes a difference. Yes, it costs. But I kind of have in my mind that we spend a certain amount of money on gifts for people. We don't necessarily donate, we would rather spend our money on specific acts of giving.

But yes - it also costs time. Often my care packages include homemade things that take me quite a bit of time to do. Even ordering online - it took me quite a while to do.

We can always be too busy.

We can always be too busy and too wrapped up in our own lives - I think that showing up for others even if it takes a bit from us is life enriching and worth it. And I don't mean that in a self sacrificing kind of way - I mean be willing to be inconvenienced to do things for others.

There are some things were I am setting my lines and not "showing up" for others - like emotionally right now. I cannot concentrate or be present for the duration of a conversation. If someone requires undivided presence - I am not that person right now.

I do my best to create a life where I am able to meet my needs in more ways than just one. It takes pressure of any single person to meet my needs and makes life so wonderful when people do meet my needs (or do things I didn't realize would be life enriching).

I've spent a lot of time with these blogs talking about communication, interactions, showing up for others and the like - and it is because this is so top of mind for me in a phase were my resources are stretched. Where I am once again learning to be this new version of me. The me friends hung out with before M was born is now a different me. And I need to go through this and find my feet again.

On the note of community...

Local community

If you watched my baby carrying Youtube video before Marshall was born you will know I received the most beautiful hand woven ring sling from a friend. And I also said in that video that IF I were to get another carrier (which is unlikely because I have so many) it would be a Meh Dai / Mei Tai.

I have asked on our local baby wearing group if some moms would be willing to help me with the ring sling to improve how I wear it with a newborn and I got some enthusiastic responses - which is amazing.

But then... on our local BUY NOTHING group - someone was giving away a Meh Dai!

How amazing! Now I can learn to carry Marshall on my back before he can sit independently. I love back carrying but the carriers I have require sitting independently as the milestone for safe use. A Meh Dai can be used for back carry from newborn - which some specific conditions and help (it is considered an advanced type of carry).

Thankfully people are also willing to help me learn to do this and I found some awesome videos! I will ease into this.

And if you're wondering why I am so excited about this all - carrying my babies is how I do things while keeping them close. I love carrying them and doing it well and having the right carrier for what we want it for. Currently I am using the Ergobaby Embrace (specific newborn carrier) for this phase until I get comfortable with the other two - ring sling and Meh Dai.

Oh and since I carry Marshall around - Elba asked me (a lot) if I can please carry her again too.

So I did :) I specifically got the Ombuhimo carrier (the one Elba is in) to carry her while pregnant and because it can be used (easily) with other carriers because it does not have a waistband like most carriers. It takes some shoulder strength, but I am used to it and love it - it is my favourite carrier for older babies and toddlers.

Making life easier

So I said a friend was coming to cut my hair. She did. In between the chaos of two kids she cut my hair using a Youtube video. She cut it dry and unwashed, because I didn't have time to wash it before she came.

I also haven't had a moment to take a decent photo - so here is the best I have.

You may recall my hair was very long before this. The photo below was after I cut a chunk of it off.

My hair

It was so wild to me how I wasn't nervous. I wasn't bothered one little bit about how short she cut it or how it would look. The short I only cared about it being able to tie up easily.

And this is wild to me - not to be worried because I used to care so much about my hair. I spent hours and thousands in hair salons for many years of my life dying it blond. In 2021 I embraced my natural hair colour and have been dye free and hair salon free since then.

It is so freeing not to care about this stuff anymore! Freeing not to spend my time or money in salons anymore. And freeing because I really do get to role model to Elba that we do not need to do anything to look a certain way - natural beauty is amazing. It is healthier. Better for our budget and time. And I don't think a single person misses my blond hair or even cares what colour my hair is.

Healthy bras

Similarly - I used to think bought was better than what I made. But I am loving my made bras! Except now that I am not newly PP or pregnant anymore - time to make them smaller.

Before

After

And this one

Find the pattern HERE

Decluttering because I have healthy bras now

Since I am very happy with the bra's I made - including the nursing ones. It is time to get rid of all my other ones and only keep organic cotton bras.

On the left is my bras - that drawer can barely close.

And here is the after

All these went to out Buy Nothing Group or to textile recycling

And while I was at it - time for the same with my PJs, because I have plans to make organic cotton summer PJs and I thrifted cotton ones for PP.

Before

After

I am on a super mission to have all our stuff be natural fibers - and mostly organic. Stay tuned for all my incoming DIY projects because I love wearing leggings (currently mostly bamboo and one organic cotton pair), but I will make some organic cotton ones!

I am also contemplating getting a heavy duty sewing machine for some of my projects... we will see.

But I love making wool things - which sometimes my machine can't go through all the layers. I love how Elba's wool pants turned out.

And Marshall has mittens from the same sweater. This one cashmere thrifted sweater made 2 x sleep slippers, pants for Elba and mittens for Marshall. Oh and no scratch wrist things for Ian's eczema.

in a parked car...

I am excited about up coming projects - when I am not reading fiction books on kindle right when nursing - I am looking up and saving projects (sewing patterns and ideas).

On that note - I think in a while I will stop using the cart next to the bed.

Changes coming

Not immediately but I can see that in the near future I won't need the cart anymore. I will probably keep the wipe warmer or move it downstairs. And a basket for a diaper change, but not the rest.

The reason is Marshall is sleeping longer and longer without wanting a change or to potty. Initially he was so wriggly for the potty at night. Oh and we've had weeks of no poo diapers now btw. Little man prefers the potty and has some clear communication. I'll share moer on EC later because the newborn phase in my experience is easy, then it gets a little challenging from 3 to 6 months, and then it went back to easy for us. We'll see how it goes this time.

Anyway Elba moved to a reusable cotton cloth night nappy around 3 months. I think Marshall will be sooner than that - he is bigger than Elba so will outgrow newborn diapers sooner, and also he is taper down on wanting to be changed at night.

I am thinking of making some night nappies. I like ours. But they are cotton not organic cotton. And they are typically worn for several hours... so I care more about them then things worn for less time.

Most of M's current diapers are the organic cotton ones I made and then we are using some from our old stash but with organic cotton liners so that it is only organic cotton touching his delicate and absorbent and important bits.

P.S. I made our diapers, but a great option for purchase (and we do have several of them) is Esembly Organic Cotton Diapers. I like them a lot - I just extra like velcro for EC, and Esembly is presstuds.

The challenging things about daily life now

Aside from the emotional things I shared - a challenge is nap. Firstly Elba is at the age where she doesn't nap everyday. I have been taking her upstairs for nap daily this week though - felt like we both needed it and also we're still working at getting to bed at a reasonable time.

It is not easy getting them both to sleep at the same time, but I did manage it a few days and I got to take a nice nap too. Or just read. It felt like needed rest.

But the days it didn't line up was very frustrating for all - so next week I am not going to insist on nap if it takes too long to happen. I don't want us napping and then just being frustrated about it.

So even if I am tired next week - we will see if nap happens and if not, oh well.

Getting outside

I see warmer weather coming, but still I wanted Elba to go outside when she asked. So I made the effort, even if it was a bit challenging.

I took her to the closet park to play and I was nervous about if I can keep her safe on the climbing things while having M in the carrier. I got to see... and turns out I can. She slipped on ice on a climbing thing and I was able to catch her and bring her down holding M in the carrier.

Generally E is a pretty "safe" kid - good body awareness and doesn't do super risky things. But of course I can't guarantee that and so I hover there (usually Ian does this, but I want to be able to take her during the day when he is working).

Final Note

We had our final midwife appointment with Maddy.

Little dude is nice and big - and heavy. It was such a pleasure working with our midwife!

Oh and we took her homemade biltong and chocolate as a little thank you gift.

Elba & I made homemade chocolate

I was inspired by a friend who gifted us her homemade chocolate (must more fancy and elaborate compared to what I made).

Just organic coconut oil, cacoa, sea salt, maple syrup and vanilla. Great nursing snacks for me! Super rich so you don't eat a lot.

And that is the week Ian went back to work

Oh I purposefully didn't do social this week and my digestion sucks. It is pretty crappy. I will keep working at it.

Thanks for being here!!!

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